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December 30, 2008

Stop it already with the dumb baby names...

My wife received a Christmas card from an old "Knottie" friend and it has been begging for a post on my blog. About 6 months ago this person told everyone (on The Knot*) she had the perfect name for her unborn girl, a name she kept a secret so nobody would steal it and use it for their own.

The whole ordeal reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George Castanza had the perfect name for his future kid and, in a moment of weakness, revealed the name to an expecting couple who then stole the name. Do you remember the name? Seven, like the number. So the months went by and after the birth of her child she unveiled the name to everyone on The Knot while the umbilical cord was still attached.

Before I tell you the name of her baby girl I must tell you that the name wasn't as bad as some of the celebrity names that these idiots came up with. Here is a short list:

Moxie Crimefighter Jilette
Pilot Inspektor
Kal-el Coppola Cage
Apple Blythe Alison Martin
Sonnet, True, Autumn, & Ocean Whittaker

FFS, what the hell are these people thinking? True, they are offspring of celebrities and probably won't get picked on- even Moonunit has done fairly well despite her drug induced name. But what of the rest of us mere common folk who decide to be different and give our children names that we think are so clever?

I recall several people on my first boar who gave their children unique (i.e. stupid) names, almost like they were competing against each other- Jasmine Mercedes and Myasia to name a few. This was back in 1992! I had a conversation with the A ganger who named his girl Myasia (like the continent) and where he came up with that gem- why chose a continent? Mypapanewguinea has a certain charm to it also. He told that Asia means "beautiful" and that his girl is "my beautiful" girl. It is a romantic idea, I suppose, but I asked him from what dictionary he got the definition of "asia" from.

I have a great name for all you ass clowns who name your children by flipping through an atlas or by mixing consonant and vowels together like you are puling tiles out of a Scrabble bag. Here it is:
Throw a Soccerball at my head (Last name here)

Why that name? Because that is what is going to happen when that kid gets in the 6th grade.

Back to my wife's friend. Are you ready? Here it is:
Yes, please, reread that name and I assure you that you did read it correctly the first time. Most guys, because we are very intuitive to sexual innuendos, pick right up on the reference for that name. Women, are you stumped? Let me help you:

Did this woman just not make the connection or was just so overwhelmed by here cleverness at combining the names Anna and Elise(?) that she just didn't put 2 and 2 together (no pun intended). But I can't put the blame solely on her. What kind of a man doesn't catch that faux pas? So, either he just didn't mention it out of fear of his wife, or, he did mention it and his wife thought, "No, honey, it isn't spelled the same as the ass lube and besides, people aren't that cruel." For fuck sake woman, at least use two "N"'s or better yet, if you are going for the unintentional innuendo word combination why not just name her Ball Gag?

One thing is for sure, that guy better buy a shotgun and a lot of rock salt. Those high school boys are going to mistake the name Analiese as a wanna-be porn star name and be beating that door down every night. Buck Cherry is a pretty cool name, though.

*The Knot: A web board associated with all things wedding consisting of a message board of the most mundane, useless, and contrite shit you have ever had the misfortune to read. There is more drama on these message boards in one day than in an entire season of Melrose Place.


  1. The Mouth breathing American public never cease to amaze with their narcissism and indulgence in stupidity.

    But if it were not for them, who would old Submariners have to taunt belittle and write snarky blog entries about?

  2. Oh I'm sure other targets of opportunity would present themselves. Speaking of belittling and being snarky, I bet Jon Stewart is sweating bullets over having to come up with new material since Bush is leaving office.

  3. If we think about the Baby names let us think of the wonderful name, and could be appreciated.Be nice and think that the name is a treasure.

  4. That's the point. Not all names are treasures, unless you adopt the premise that ones man's junk is another man's treasure.

    I guess you would also believe that there is no such thing as an ugly baby?

  5. Annaliese is actually an old Hebrew name- not a combo of Anna and Elise. She just forgot an n.

  6. Oh, my bad. Forget everything I said.


    Although now I wonder if that makes the mother more of a dumbass.