In honor of July 4th, and why America rocks

Joe Dirt: So your gonna' tell me that you don't have no black cats, no roman candles, or screaming mimis?

Kicking Wing: No.

Joe Dirt: Oh come on man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?

Kicking Wing: No, I don't.

Joe Dirt: You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen spliters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?

Kicking Wing: No... because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.

Joe Dirt: Well that might be your problem, it's not what you like, it's the consumer.

Dora the Explorer can kiss my ass

Is is just me or is Dora the Explorer the unholy apex of bilingual appeasement? My 3 year old watches this show and it gives me a headche when it is over. I actually feel dumber for having sat through 30 minutes of this bullshit.

I have never liked this show. Somehow it rubs me the wrong way, like it is clumsily trying to hide a clandestine mission of entertaining illegal immigrant children or, trying to get English speaking children to learn bits of Spanish so they will be able to communicate with the majority of the population in the U.S. in 10 years.

Another thing I don't like is the way she shits all over the fox, Swiper. Anytime this thing somes around she tells the viewers to say "NO! NO! NO SWIPING!". Fuck you, you intolerant little bitch. I can't help but to think that this has contributed in some small way to my daughter's pseudo bitchiness. Or perhaps it was just passed down from her mother. (j/k sweetie)

I get it; I get that the show's intent is to teach bilingualism and diversity. I am not opposed to either- I am learning German and Spanish as we speak (Rosetta Stone ftw!)- I thnk there is just something creepy about this show. And while I'm on the subject, her cousin Diego gets on my nerves too. What the hell are the parents of these two kids doing while Dora and Diego galavant all over the jungle, narrowingly escaping death and/or dismemberment?

Oh, and now the Diversity Police has decided that children should start learning Mandarin Chinese with the launching of the show Ni Hao. But I imagine that will come in handy in the future also. I can foresee that in a 100 years, television will start promoting shows with bits of English in it to teach the kids about diversity. Phhhfffft- yeah, right.

The Thriller Beats it for good

I had mixed emotions when I heard the news Michael Jackson died of an apparent heart attack. My initial response was "Good, it's about time that freak croaked". But then I thought back to high school and the great music he put out that revolutionized the pop culture. I challenge anyone who was really into MJ to deny that they at least tried to Moonwalk. I was actually pretty good at it.

Before a thoughtful piece from the FL Times, I leave you with this bit of gallows humor:

Michale Jackson is going to come back as a plastic grocery bag. That way he can still be white, made of plastic, and still be a threat to children.

Setting the freak show of the last 15 years aside, the Michael Jackson of the '80s is the Michael Jackson we love, the one we want to remember. The one who gave us Thriller, Beat It, Billie Jean. (And the Moonwalk — which I never learned to do.)

Not botched plastic surgeries, sex abuse allegations, televised trials, unexplainable marriages, and baby-dangling.

What if the weirdness of the last 15 years or so didn't happen? What if the King of Pop made music instead of tabloid headlines around the world?

Just when we were about to find out — The Gloved One reportedly was preparing for an upcoming concert comeback tour — the American tragedy that had become Michael Jackson ended as just that: A tragedy.

Goldy R.I.P.

I didn't expect to start off Father's Day with a funeral but with 4 kids in this house you never know what each new day will have in store.

My youngest son won 2 goldfish at the fair yesterday- that in itself was an accomplishment as he thew a ping pong ball on his second shot into a small glass bowl- and this morning he came into our room asking us to "come look at this". That was 7 a.m. and after I explained to him that it takes Mommy and Daddy a little longer to wake up in the morning he told us that Goldy was lying on the bottom of the bowl. My wife jumped up with that "oh shit" face and took my son and my 3 year old daughter into the kitchen. A very short time later, before I could even roll over and try to catch a cat nap, I heard my son crying.

It was a tough site to see him with his face buried in his mother's chest and crying over a fish he won 15 hours ago. It was confirmed; Goldy had passed on to the great fishbowl in the sky. He (she?) lay there starboard side up, eye wide opened, and not the good kind. My son kept remarking that we probably should have fed them more last night.

Fighting off my first impulse to scoop the deceased fish out of the plastic container with my hand and offering it as a sacrifice to the Kohler toilet bowl demi-god, I ran some lukewarm water for the survivor, Blacky. Blacky is a black goldfish for those of you reading this who have also only been out of bed for 10 minutes. My wife placed Goldy in a temporary container for a viewing as I went outside to find the trowel.

Everyone made it outside and I suggested that we bury Goldy next to our orange tree since they were the same color. My son agreed. I swept the bark away and began digging, spearing an irrigation line with the tip of the trowel. I don't think I did any damage but I will now tonight when I turn it on. I was going to just dump the fish in the shallow hole but my son asked if he could have the honor. I covered the hole, replaced the bark and we all came inside.

A few minutes later, my daughter said she wanted to go back out and see Goldy. I told her that Goldy is gone and we need to leave the burial site alone. I was going to mention tales of haunted goldfish grave sites but I left that one for another time. This is when the events of our short morning caught up to our 3-year old and she broke down in tears. Yes, even though we only had him (her?) for a short time, Goldy touched all of us and taught some of us a valuable life's lesson- the Circle of Life is real and Elton John wasn't fucking around when he sang about it.

My son is now checking on Blacky every 5 minutes and giving us status updates on his whereabouts in the plastic container. I guess we will be making a trip to PetSmart after my Father's Day breakfast at Denny's. We will never be able to replace Goldy, but the new fish can serve as a tribute to a brave little fish whose 4 second attention span probably didn't really let him (her?) really get the full impact of moving from a 20 gallon Rubbermaid container underneath a carnival game to a loving home with a 6-year old who had his very first pet.

I think that it is time for me to offer something to the Kohler demi-god after all. I think the fair food is finally catching up with me.


**** UPDATE
17 hours later, Blacky joined Goldy. FYI: Do not bring fair goldfish home.

North Korea ambitions

Evil dicator says he hates the United States. Said dictator says he will use WMD's agaiinst the United States. Oh, the same dictator just had a successful underground detonation of a nucelar weapon, and then shot a missile into the Sea of Japan to taunt Obama.

Question: How long will it take Obama to go over and start swinging from Kim Jong Il's nutsack? Better question: How long will it take before a city is blown to smithereens because the U.S. dicked around too long with negotiations and sanctions?

Honestly, I am not worried about this missile test. It is another lame attempt by another lame dictator to squeeze the United States and the world for some more money and food because the dictator's country sucks. I have to believe that the missile and the launch site would be vapor within 5 minutes of the launch.

But then again, maybe they won't. Your move Obama. You have already weakened this country in a very short time, so what will you do now with the possibly of a nuclear missile launch by a crazed asshat?

I wonder what Iran is thinking? Will Obama do anything about N.K. or will he run into his room and lock the door. Only the teleprompter will know and Obama will be reading from it shortly- right after he changes the greasy shit he took in his pants.Scared yet?

Trump doesn't fire Miss USA, America yawns

California is having a tough time right now. Unemployment is up, jobs are scarce, the State budget is a concern for many, gays are still crying over their loss last November. What CA needs is a scandal, something for everyone to take their minds off their woes for the short term. Unfortunately, there is one scandal that has made the news but nobody really cares.

Two weeks ago, San Diego native Carrie Prejean won the Miss USA pageant and she is already on the burner and awaiting the Donald’s verdict as to whether she will retain her crown. The media will have you believe it is because Prejean breached her contract and had some booby photos taken that have since surfaced during a recent witch hunt. I don’t believe either of these incidents, or any others that will surface, to be the real reason behind the Miss USA uproar.

I did not watch the event in Las Vegas, and haven’t seen a Miss USA show since my younger years when I had no wood control and the swimsuit pageant was the closest thing to proxy sex I could get (there was no Internet in those days). But after reading between the lines of many reports it is painfully obvious that it was her answer to a question posed by one of the judges that has gotten everyone’s panties in a bunch.

Perez Hilton (no, that isn’t a typo) asked Prejean what her stance on gay marriage is and Prejean answered truthfully, bringing her strong Christian values and morals into the validation for her answer. Hilton is a homosexual, which satisfied Trump’s stringent qualification criteria to be a judge on the biggest “I am fulfilling my mother’s dreams” show on television.

I do not normally follow things like this. I couldn’t care less about this pageant, or any other pageant for that matter, as I think they are ridiculous and shallow. The contestants may have degrees and done great things, but the stereotype I have of beauty pageant contestants is that they have IQs a little higher than a piece of toast. What interested me most was the reaction from all sides of the spectrum surrounding the answer concerning gay marriage.

I think Hilton’s question was out of line and beyond the scope of the pageant. Ask them something stupid concerning making the world a better place, or how many orphans they would adopt, or how long it takes to get a Brazilian. This question was a setup and exactly why Trump asked this no talent ass clown Perez to sit as a judge. Paraphrasing Prejean’s answer, she supports what the majority of Californians voted on last November: marriage is between a man and a woman, we don’t care that you are gay but you can’t get married.

Now there is a big uproar. Some gays are pissed and others respect Prejean’s decision. Many people in CA share her position. It shows a measure of tolerance but some would argue that it is completely unfair. Some gays think that you are still being intolerant and homophobic if you accept them as being gay but not allow them to marry. To them, tolerance means giving up your beliefs or at least keeping quiet about them in public and allowing them all the rights heterosexuals enjoy.

In all fairness, the gay community has had it pretty rough over the last several thousand years. But like everything in life the choices we make carry certain consequences, whether it is your lifestyle, your spouse, impulse purchases, or whether or not have hot sauce on your enchilada. Miss USA is now being hammered because of her beliefs, because of her choices, and the people are throwing a fit that she is being treated so unfairly. Ironic that we only cry racism, bigotry, or intolerance when it happens to us or someone we like. She made a choice and she is suffering for it but people who share the same opinion don’t like it and are crying about it.

However, the gays are not blameless either. They proudly display their rainbows and harangue tolerance, acceptance and coexistence- until you piss them off. Then scum bags like Perez Hilton crucify a person over their beliefs on gay marriage even though the person supports or tolerates the gay lifestyle.

Both sides suck and both sides do nothing to fix the problem. I see a lot of finger pointing and “Yeah, but” arguments based on the aforementioned paragraphs. Both sides point out the other’s bad behavior in an attempt to justify their own. I hear it all the time from my kids.

Child #1: “He took my ____________.”
Child #2: “Yeah, but he grabbed my __________”.

Bad behavior does not justify bad behavior. It may satisfy the hypocrisy argument but it is a non sequitur, it does not follow.

Obama: 100 days, 100 mistakes

Here is a great article reviewing the last 100 days of Obama's presidency. I knew there was a reason I did not vote for this man. He is a liar, a bully, a pussy and mark my words, although I do not know the extent of the damage that will come of this presidency, it will not be good. He has already weakened this country and did it a lot faster than Clinton did.

But he gets a free pass from the media and from the millions of Americans who voted for him. He kept promising us change but as you read the article you will find that the change was not really what we expected. Here are my top 5:

1. He closed Guantanamo bay prison. Now all the terrorists will be sent to a prison on American soil and given the same rights.

2. He said time and time again on his campaign trail that he would end the lobbyist grip on Washington. His first bill contained 17 instances of the contrary.

3. Appointing Eric Holderer as Attorney General, the highest authority on law enforcement, who is also a radical scumbag. This is the guy that said America is full of cowards.

4. Obama said he would stop the bipartisan bickering and then the first thing he said, in confidence to the Republicans, was "I won". This was only the first instance; the article give more examples.

5. He pulls the same faux pas that Bush got slammed for by the media but Obama gets a free pass because almost all the media outlets are swinging from h is nuts.

- gave 25 DVD's to the PM of Great Britain that won't even work in EU.
- in the first few sentences of his inauguration speech he commented that he was the 44th president to take the oath. (He is the 43rd since Cleveland served twice)
- can't speak for shit without a teleprompter
- told people at a speech that Americans invented the automobile. A German did.
- Compared his bowling score to a special olympic contestant's.

OK, there is one more thing- the stupid ass dog he bought. Didn't he say he was gonig to get one from the pound?

Hog Flu: Run for the Hills!!!!

I am not old enough to remember the Hog Flu outbreak in the 1970’s and didn’t even know we had one until I started researching the data behind the current one. The World Health Organization says we are but just a small step away from having a worldwide pandemic. 100+ people have died in Mexico, American’s are scared and but a small step away from hysteria. Egypt, one of the few Arab countries not jam packed with lunatic muslims, has now ordered 300,000 pigs to be slaughtered in response to the growing concern over the impending pandemic.

I call bullshit.

Do you know how many hogs they found infected with this flu in the 70’s (after millions of dollars were poured into a vaccine)?

None.

To date, do you know how many infected hogs they have found in Mexico?

None.

People are in hysterics over this flu and they don’t even know what it is. A coworker told me you can get it from eating pork. That is absolutely not true; it is hog flu, not mad hog disease. Schools are sending out notices to parents to caution their children about unnecessarily touching other students and to wash their hand often. You could lick a hog’s ass and not catch hog flu, although you might catch something else more or less unpleasant.

I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on any media form, but I do know when someone is trying to blow smoke up my ass. A bunch of people in Mexico died from, for now let’s just call it the “flu”, and we are supposed to believe it is transmitted from coming in contact with pigs. A bunch of Mexicans died from the flu and this surprises people? I guess it would if you think Mexico has some form of effective health care system, but for those of us with an IQ above a piece of toast it come as no shock.

I forgot to mention the old people who have died from “hog flu”. Say it isn’t so- an old person with an ineffective and worn out immune system died from an illness? How many people around the world, not just seniors, have died this year of the regular flu?

The thought had crossed my mind that hysteria is good for business. Politicians can pass laws and bills under the radar of most people during this time. Actually, they pass them in plain view of the radar and most stupid Americans are none the wiser.
Although I may not the specific outcome of this “pandemic”, I have a strong gut feeling that nothing good will come of this concocted hog flu. Pharmaceutical companies will profit on our dime for needless vaccinations, face mask companies will see an increase in sales and further promote the scare, and the politicians will invariably profit somehow from it.

And most Americans will be none the wiser and the majority will thank President Obama for saving us from certain annihilation.

Nudist Hippie Tazered, but not enough...

A nudist was tazered at the Coachella Valley Music festival, probably the only interesting act at the whole event, while onlookers repeatedly gasped and harangued the three officers.

It looks like the officers followed protocol, the asshole would not cover himslef up and, after repeated attempts, the hippie kept resisting the officers. He got what he deserved. I made a similar post when a student was tazered by some campus cops and the same bleeding heart pussies objected to that.

Look, if cops come at you with tazers, whether you feel it is justified or not, you better get head down, ass up. Is your pride worth the shock of a few hundred thousand volts?

I watched the video several times and I do not understand why they call the nudist a "wizard". Dude, if you are a wizard you should really work on those nature resists. You could easily absorb and mitigate that lightning damage. Instead of taking that bottled water you should have popped a potion or elixir.

Noob.

Columbine reporting = Bullshit

It has been 10 years since the largest failed school bombing attempt at Columbine High School. Oh, did I say bombing? You heard correctly and probably didn't even know that the two assholes who shot dozens and killed 13 had setup the day to be a huge bombing.

Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold went down in history as the agents behind the worst massacre in high school shooting (to date) 10 years ago today. The only reason it was a shooting and not a bombing is because the propane tanks they set in place to explode did not. I find that ironic since Harris was always complaining about how stupid the rest of the world was.

USA Today came out with a great article, confirming what I already knew, about the 2 psychopaths in the shooting. It wasn't that they belonged to the Trenchcoat Mafia- thank you media for giving all the losers in schools something to join. It wasn't because they were loners. The FBI finally released what the real cause was. Ready?

They were fucking psychopaths. Yep, that's the reason.

So shame on all the media outlets that found a way to blame everyone else in this tradgedy except the two fuck sticks who were really and ultimately responsible.

This whole story reminds me of the exercise where the teacher whispers something to a student then he repeats it to another. By the time the story gets back to the teacher it is nothing like the original. Same thing happened here but because the press was so eager to get a story they fell for anything that came across thier desk.

"Psst. Newsperson. I heard they wore trenchcoats."
"News flash! All students who wear trenchcoats are possible murderers!"

Hmm, I hate that Marylin Manson retread. "Hey, I heard they listened to Marylin Manson."
"News flash! Students who listen to shitty music by people (who are also fucked up) are possbile candidates for school shootings!"

Let's drum up some sympathy for the Christians. "Hey, I heard he asked a girl if she was a Christian and when she said yes, he blew her brains out."
"News flash! Anyone who doesn't like religion is a possible serial killer!"

Oh, all the above statements, as told and retold by the media, are total bullshit. Here is the story by USA Today. I recommend giving it a good parusing.

10 years later, the real story

Oh, and one more Fuck You goes out to Michael Moore, who shamelessly scrambled a video to make a quick buck and put the blame on everyone except the 2 who pulled the triggers.

Explosivo

This picture reminds of my trips to Tijuana when i was stationed in San Diego. It cracks me up but I wonder if it has been Photo Shopped. Poor guy.

A sad day

If you're wondering why my flag in the front yard (if I really had one) is at half mast today, it is because of the passing of one of hte greatest (adult) film stars of the 20th Century. Marilyn Chambers died on Sunday at the age of 56, a respectable age that most dried up porn actresses do not reach, and was found by her 17 year old daughter.

Mrs. Chambers had a break through role in Behind the Green Door after her exotic dancer/legitimate acting career was failing. Savvy for her age, she asked that the males in the film be tested for STD's as a condition for her contract. The rest is history.

She also starred in Deep Throat and actually made it to "legitimate" screen films in her riveting role in the 1977 B horror movie "Rabid". Although her big screen career didn't take off, she returned to having her cooch pounded for money in the 80's with a series of collections and then went back again in the 90's!

She was divorced 3 times, has one daughter who survives her, and is now finally back with her labia that died in the mid 80's. It is not certain if Mrs. Chambers' daughter will carry on her legacy.

Jackhole of the Day

12 Killed at NY Immigration Center

Why would you go into an immigration center where people are trying to become citizens, and taking a test, and then kill them?

If you are pissed off at illegals who are burdening an already unstable economy, go shoot the ones hanging out in front of Home Depot or the counteless other spots in the U.S. illegals congregate.

What an asshole.

Austrian's need to execute this guy

In case you haven't read the full disgusting story, here is a link to an Austrian man who has repeatedly raped his daughter in a dungeon outside his house for the last 20 years. She had 7 children with this fuck stick and was forced to write letters to her mother every once in a while to reinforce the facade that she had run away.

How the fuck can you keep someone locked away in a dungeon for 20 years and nobody says anything? "Hey, what's that boarded up building outside your house for?"

This guy needs to be executed, no questions asked. Unfortunately, he is in his 70's so we would probably be doing this asshole a favor. Maybe they can let a pack of dingo's chew on his crotch for 15 or 20 minutes. But he insists he isn't that bad of guy, I mean, for fuck sake, he did bring them all a Christmas tree. I guess we can drop the dingo crotch fest to only 10-15 minutes.

US Navy and Iraqi Navy

US Navy



Iraqi Navy

High End Goody Machine

Need some entertainment on that long flight? You're in luck!

I found an iPod and a Sony vending machine as I walked around in the Denver International Airport. I finally got a moment to take these pictures when the kids didn't have their faces plastered to the glass.

If you thought the food prices were bad in airports wait till you see these.

Gratz, Mr. President

I was in Denver on travel last week when Obama took over as the 44th President of this fantabulous country. I did not have the opportunity to watch it live but I hav ben hearing about it nonstop ever since. For four days straight Obama was front page of the USA Today. I don't read that paper but I had to look at it everytime I left my hotel room in the morning.

Although I did not vote for him I wish him the best of luck. He is going to need it to help get us out of his inherited mess. It is going to be a long road to get the American people out of this mini-depression and get both the economy and unemployment rates to reasonable levels. He has already made a few changes in that direction and they seem to be good for us as a nation. I do not, however, agree with his measure to close Gitmo and then to dismiss all intelligence data extracted under "torture". This was one of the main reasons I did not vote for Obama. I believe that he will weaken us as a nation as he tries to appease the rest of the world's concerns about our intentions. But I still keep my fingers crossed that he will do the right thing for us.

For the life of me I don't know why the American people would want a President to fail. True, he was not my first choice, but I don't want to see him fall on his ass. How the hell does that benefit us? How will that fix our current state of affairs. The same could be said of Bush. People hated him so much that they wanted him to fail, and to fail so badly just so that they could point there finger and say "HA!". Some people hated him so much that they didn't vote for Obama so much as they voted against Bush's party. I have to admit that Palin didn't help the Republicans cause. What the fuck were they thinking?

The inauguration was a historic event and African Americans had something really big to celebrate. They finally broke that barrier and parents can truly tell their children that they can become president of the United States. The rest of us can now safely swing off of Obama's nuts for the next 4 years and revel in the change that is surely on its way. In all honesty, the fact that Obama is the first black president really didn't mean that much to me, nor would having Hilary as the first female president, had it gone that way. I'm not racist or sexist but probably some other "-ist" word that escapes me at the moment. Minority and gender barriers are constantly being challenged in our country and those barriers are broken so much these days that it just doesn't surprise me when one makes it to a high profile and important position. We will have our first woman president, our first Latino president, and eventually, our first president who is just a head mounted on a cybernetic body.

Because I am in the solar industry, I am extremely interested in Obama's renewable energy ideas and implementation. I am waiting with baited breath for him to allot some obscene amount of money for solar incentives. Surprisingly, in this shitty economy, the renewable energy companies are doing quite well.

My daughter is cute to watch when Obama appears on TV. She recognizes him and says his name over and over. She wants to meet him, so much so in fact, that every time we get ready to go somewhere she asks us if we are going to see "pedent bama". She's 2 years old.

My only concern is that Jon Stewart continues to be funny and has new material since Bush is no longer in office. We can only hope.

Wall Street and the Monkeys

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each. However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys.

Now you have a better understanding of how the Wall Street bail out plan will work.

Another one bite the dust

Another year has passed by, not so quietly I might add, and this morning I begin to prepare my New Years tradition of making a pot of posole stew. My family indulges me by eating a small bowl of it but I usually end up eating the whole pot- they like posole better than black eyed peas so I can't complain too much.

In retrospect, 2008 was a big year for not only me and my family but also for the United States. The election is probably the biggest news of the year although Israel starting a 'Bomb the shit out of Gaza' campaign right after Christmas is high on the list. As of today, they just killed a high ranking Hamas leader. Good, fuck Hamas.

Getting back on track, I thought about researching and making a grand post about all the significant events that occured this year, for prosperity I suppose, but a quick Google search would save about 4 hours of work and I have posole to attend to. At the beginning of the year I was working 2 part time retail jobs and needless to say was not seeing my family on weekends and holidays very often. I don't know if any of you have ever worked retail but I have a newfound respect for those people. It really sucks as far as the hours go. I worked for 2 big companies and although I truly enjoyed working there but the hours gave me flashbacks to being on the boat. I was not making enough money and joined the ranks of millions of Americans who felt the pinch of the dwindling economy. Were it not for the generosity of my family, I would be in a very different place.

At the beginning of the year my brother-in-law was still recuperating from his car accident caused by his friend who fell asleep at the wheel. The driver and my brother's girlfriend were ok but the driver's girlfriend was killed and my brother suffered severe head trauma and will need constant care for the rest of his life. It has been extremely hard on my wife's side of the family but they are strong and have come a long way. My brother was able to come to both Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner at my home and could eat by himself, get around by himself, and actually have a conversation with us.

This year really tested me in ways the Navy didn't throughout my 20 years in that canoe club although it truly prepared me for 2008. But I cannot recall a single time in my life where I prayed as much as I have over the last year. Most of my prayers were answered: My brother-in-law has recovered as much as he can. I got a really good full time job that is exactly what I wanted to do when I retired from the Navy. My kids are healthy, although I am still wondering when my prayers of them all getting along for more than 15 minutes will be answered. I have transportation. I have food for my family and a place to live. I have traveled to parts of the world my submarines never did. My wife continues to support me, love me, and even continues to tolerate my 4-year (semi-addiction now) subscription to World of Warcraft. I can say without a doubt that if it weren't for her that I would be a very unhappy man, bitter and empty.

I'll continue to pray- looking ahead to the new year and all the changes that are on the starring block I think we should all pray a little bit more. But if you aren't going to do that, than at least try to be part of the solution, try to be part of something bigger than yourself, try to be something besides an asshole. I think that would make the world a more tolerable place to live in.

Stop it already with the dumb baby names...

My wife received a Christmas card from an old "Knottie" friend and it has been begging for a post on my blog. About 6 months ago this person told everyone (on The Knot*) she had the perfect name for her unborn girl, a name she kept a secret so nobody would steal it and use it for their own.

The whole ordeal reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George Castanza had the perfect name for his future kid and, in a moment of weakness, revealed the name to an expecting couple who then stole the name. Do you remember the name? Seven, like the number. So the months went by and after the birth of her child she unveiled the name to everyone on The Knot while the umbilical cord was still attached.

Before I tell you the name of her baby girl I must tell you that the name wasn't as bad as some of the celebrity names that these idiots came up with. Here is a short list:

Moxie Crimefighter Jilette
Pilot Inspektor
Kal-el Coppola Cage
Apple Blythe Alison Martin
Sonnet, True, Autumn, & Ocean Whittaker

FFS, what the hell are these people thinking? True, they are offspring of celebrities and probably won't get picked on- even Moonunit has done fairly well despite her drug induced name. But what of the rest of us mere common folk who decide to be different and give our children names that we think are so clever?

I recall several people on my first boar who gave their children unique (i.e. stupid) names, almost like they were competing against each other- Jasmine Mercedes and Myasia to name a few. This was back in 1992! I had a conversation with the A ganger who named his girl Myasia (like the continent) and where he came up with that gem- why chose a continent? Mypapanewguinea has a certain charm to it also. He told that Asia means "beautiful" and that his girl is "my beautiful" girl. It is a romantic idea, I suppose, but I asked him from what dictionary he got the definition of "asia" from.

I have a great name for all you ass clowns who name your children by flipping through an atlas or by mixing consonant and vowels together like you are puling tiles out of a Scrabble bag. Here it is:

Throw a Soccerball at my head (Last name here)

Why that name? Because that is what is going to happen when that kid gets in the 6th grade.

Back to my wife's friend. Are you ready? Here it is:

Analiese

Yes, please, reread that name and I assure you that you did read it correctly the first time. Most guys, because we are very intuitive to sexual innuendos, pick right up on the reference for that name. Women, are you stumped? Let me help you:

Did this woman just not make the connection or was just so overwhelmed by here cleverness at combining the names Anna and Elise(?) that she just didn't put 2 and 2 together (no pun intended). But I can't put the blame solely on her. What kind of a man doesn't catch that faux pas? So, either he just didn't mention it out of fear of his wife, or, he did mention it and his wife thought, "No, honey, it isn't spelled the same as the ass lube and besides, people aren't that cruel." For fuck sake woman, at least use two "N"'s or better yet, if you are going for the unintentional innuendo word combination why not just name her Ball Gag?

One thing is for sure, that guy better buy a shotgun and a lot of rock salt. Those high school boys are going to mistake the name Analiese as a wanna-be porn star name and be beating that door down every night. Buck Cherry is a pretty cool name, though.


*The Knot: A web board associated with all things wedding consisting of a message board of the most mundane, useless, and contrite shit you have ever had the misfortune to read. There is more drama on these message boards in one day than in an entire season of Melrose Place.

Trip to Germany

I recently spent 4 glorious days in Deutschland, mostly for company business but with a lot of spare time to eat, drink, and see some of the area. The trip there, however, was absolutely horrid and United Airlines can suck it from now on. Two of their planes had mechanical problems, we were rerouted twice and then, because the would not call ahead to our connecting flight in Dulles, had to spend the night there and consequently lost a free day in Germany. I won't go into more detail because I still get pissed off. Oh, did I mention that they lost my luggage? Out of 6 of us that traveled together I was the only one.

There was a bit of disturbing news to be reported in that I made it through 4 security checkpoints in 3 different airports in the United States with my 3 inch knife in my backpack. I forgot all about it when I was at the airport digging through my mesh pocket in the front of the backpack- in plain view. On the other side of the security checkpoint. But I decided to tempt fate again after we had to leave our first plane for electrical problems and go back to ticketing. I made it all the way to Brussels before I threw it away in the bathroom garbage. I didn't need any more trouble overseas. So yeah, TSA can suck it too. I thought about taking pictures of myself with the knife out and then sending it to TSA but then I remembered that it is usually a bad idea to take incriminating photos.

At first I was pretty pissed about the lost luggage thing but the Director of Finance for my company was with us. I went shopping for new clothes and they were all expensed from the company card so I can't complain too much. We stayed at a really nice hotel which was also a quick taxi ride to the company. I was bummed for our day delay in getting to Germany because I had a whole day of training with one of my German colleagues. In fact, I had my return trip changed to come back on Wednesday so that I could attend a 2 day training on Monday and Tuesday but then my Department head thought he remembered that my direct supervisor was going on vacation the day that I would be staying. That would normally be no big deal but we have 3 days of training so I had my trip changed again for me to leave on Monday. Funny story- when I landed in the States I finally got an email from my boss telling me to stay in Germany for the training.....


There was a Christmas festival next to our hotel and we met with some German colleagues to enjoy the local food and drink. Gluwien is a seasonal drink made of spiced wine served piping hot. It was really good and warmed me up very quickly. Unfortunately, I had nothing to eat before I drank 2 cups of it and I started feeling the wine. I had lots of brauts, chocolate covered fruit skewers, and various other foods at the festival throughout my stay. We did eat at a few restaurants but they were Italian and Mexican. Because of our large size we had problems finding places to seat us all.

We did make it to the company grounds on Friday (the day after our arrival) for the tour of the facilities. It is unbelievably big and the process involved in making the inverters is overwhelming. After the tour I met with the person I was supposed to be getting the training from. We had a big lunch in his building's eating facility that included pizza, breaded sardines, and lots of wine. In fact, I found it very difficult to drink anything but wine and beer. Restaurants do not automatically pour glasses of water and if you do ask for it they bring the common water that is carbonated.

The main reason we all made the trip was to attend the Christmas party. It was a huge event with about 2500 employees gathered to eat, drink, and watch a variety of presentations and skits. As a new employee, I was trotted around the dining room and then led over to the front to sing the company song, in German of course. It was a 5 verse song and we sang it in a round fashion, kind of like Row Row Row Your Boat. After that, all the subsidiaries were led to a back room and handed the words to We Are The World. We all had our separate parts but sang together on the chorus. We absolutely hacked our verse that ended with "as long as we stand together as one" We received a standing ovation for our efforts and I was really touched. The Chief Financial Officer came up after we sang but I did not bring the translator headset so I did not understand what he said. In short, he gave us all props and thanked us for our contribution to the company.

With that contribution came an extremely large bonus for 2008. We more than doubled our 2008 goal and made, as a whole, over $650M euro. We were also told that the profit sharing bonus for the year would be equal to 4 months of pay. I about shit myself. Needless to say the rest of the night was even more merry. I danced, visited, and finally made my way back to the hotel about 4:30 a.m. We were told that leaving before midnight was bad form so our group went above and beyond to make a good showing.

On Saturday I took a tour of the area which included the Brother's Grimm route. It was very interesting to hear about the history of the town and to learn about the two brothers who wrote so many fairy tales. We visited a museum and I was 2 feet away from an original Rembrandt painting. It was very moving and I'm sure my Humanities professor would be proud. We also visited a castle built in the 1600's complete with a room full of armor from the era. I was in awe at the whole experience and would have given my left testicle for just a piece of the most dilapidated armor hanging in that room. Hell, I would have liked to have taken a few pictures but we were not allowed.

All too soon it was time to come home. I flew on Lufthansa airlines directly from Frankfurt. It was a 10 hour flight but it was incredibly relaxed. I was upgraded to economy plus so I had plenty of leg room and complimentary drinks. They fed us several times and handed out hot towels, snacks, and drinks the whole time. The first class accommodations were even sweeter but I don't think my company would fork out $16,000 for a first class ticket. It is good to be back home with my family and I took the day off to recuperate. My two year old has not left my side since I got home. I have posted some pictures of my trip but they do not do the justice of an actual visit, as is with most journeys. Enjoy and Frohe Weinachten!

Woot! The Juice has been squeezed

So long, dick head; have fun in prison. He should be thankful that he is just now starting his sentence instead of having the 10 reprieve he has been milking. After reading the Yahoo article I was a little dissapointed that the Goldman's made the remark they did about Simpson's robbery being partly their fault.

The Goldmans took a share of the credit for Simpson's fate, saying their relentless pursuit of his assets to satisfy a $33.5 million wrongful-death judgment "pushed him over the edge" and led him to commit the robbery to recover some of his valuable sports memorabilia.

Whatever, dude.

O.J. Simpson speaks during his sentencing hearing at the Clark County Regional Justice Center in Las Vegas, Friday, Dec. 5, 2008. Sitting right to Simpson is his lawyer Yale Galanter. Simpson was sentenced Friday to at least 15 years in prison for a hotel armed robbery after a judge rejected his apology and said, 'It was much more than stupidity.'

Suck it, treehuggers

I was so happy to read this email my wife sent me concerning the Navy's use of active sonar off the coast of California. I remember how much of a pain in the ass it was to come out to San Diego to do battlegroup operations becuase of the Marine Mammal Active Sonar regulations the Navy had to adopt. In short, whenever a few whales beached themselves, there happened to be a Naval exercise somewhere in the area, perhaps even 2000 nautical miles away. This was unequivocably related and caused by the active sonar operations of the ships and subs, regardless of whether or not the power levels were 100dB or 250dB.

I remember one exercise that came to a halt because a pod of dolphins was detected near our boat. 2 U.S. submarines, a Frigate, and a helicopter had to secure active until the dolphins got tired of playing with us. Heaven forbid a humpback get in our path in which case we had to provide right of way, no matter the distance.

Oh yeah, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg can suck it too.

Veteran's Day memoire

While rummaging around in one of my Rubbermaid boxes of Navy stuff I came across a stenopad with a mini essay I wrote while stationed aboard the USS LOS ANGELES (SSN 688). I do not know the exact date of this writing but it was sometime in October 1998 based on an underway log entry made immediately following. I am finding more and more of these notebooks and pads and I have mixed feelings after I read them. On one hand, I am extremely grateful that I m not punching holes in the ocean aboard a nuclear powered submarine. On the other hand, I miss punching holes in the ocean aboard a nuclear powered submarine. The following essay is exactly how I wrote it over 10 years ago. Enjoy.


The very nature of a submarine causes people to dislike the situation they are in. It is a unique animal which demands a like coexistence with its crew. Most people will admit that they like their job and just tolerate the rest of the bullshit that goes along with it (drills, workups, fucked up command policies, etc.) until they (a) transfer off the boat or (b) get out of the Navy. But the one thing a submariner likes to do is bitch about his situation. I would have to say, however, that the Navy cliché “A happy sailor is a bitching sailor” is a contradiction in terms- it’s more of a cause and effect.

Nobody wants to be in a shitty situation; they deal with the stress and frustration by bitching. Like Old Faithful, the command gives an inexhaustible and predictable supply of material to bitch about. To wit: The boat pulls into San Diego for repairs. Everyone (sans duty section) has liberty until 0100 the following morning. The duty section, after having to stay aboard the first day, only has liberty from 0730-1300 on their day after. The obvious point here is the duty section getting screwed with only 5.5 hours of liberty when the other 2/3 of the crew had a great time in San Diego the previous day.

A lot of people were complaining about the 0100 curfew. Why bring people in at 0100 when there wasn’t anything in the Plan of the Day until 1230 when the ORSE briefs started? The 1300 curfew for the day after duty people was still a mystery that was never really fully explained by anyone in the command. The big curveball came when the command secured everyone’s liberty on the second day. We received a tentative underway time of 0600 on the third day. Reveille was at 0400. In actuality, it was probably a smart move of the command’s part to keep everyone on board all day, all night, until we left. People were pissed off and that would have been the day everyone would have gone out and gotten shitfaced. A few glasses of Jack & Coke is an effective way for me to forget about the boat for a while. Is getting shitfaced the night before an underway irresponsible? Not any more irresponsible than getting hammered the night before an advancement exam. Would it be a smart thing to do before a major exam like ORSE? Probably not, but it would have been nice to go play a few games of pool or watch TV in the barracks lounge before the underway since we have been gone from Pearl for a month.

What it boils down to is that the command could have made the best of a situation that pulled us into port for a short time but didn’t because of job security, ignorance, or perhaps even out of malice. In the command’s eyes they are actually doing the crew a favor by screwing them out of some well deserved liberty. But dammit if they can’t just twist the knife just a little more by doing something totally retarded like securing the television onboard at 2200 thinking, “That will get them to bed earlier and they will be more refreshed for the underway!” Hey. Assholes. The crew doesn’t appreciate your concern for their well being. In fact, the crew resents being treated like children by being told when to go to bed. As a gesture of good will, the XO bought $100 worth of soda to act as a Jedi Mind Trick in hopes that the crew would forget about the San Diego 1998 bone job. The blue shirts misread the gesture as a pillow for our heads as Billy Bob reamed our unlubricated assholes.

A bitching sailor is happy? I don’t think so. There were a lot of unhappy, bitching sailors in San Diego. What substitutes for happiness when things are going badly on the boat is one of two things: 1) physically abusing someone or 2) verbally abusing someone. Verbal abuse constitutes about 60-80% of all conversation aboard a submarine at any point in time. Ironically, the verbal abuse is usually unprovoked and has a very high probability of being an antiquated mother joke (MJ). The MJ is usually a lame attempt to save face when the person can’t think of an imaginative, original slam. This type of MJ elicits little more than a pity laugh/moan- if he is lucky.

The other type of MJ is ad lib and comes out of nowhere. It isn’t spoken out of malice but rather as a competitive, insincere slam. The situation was just too tempting to leave a good mj out. I remember a time when a guy came into crews mess and innocently asked for the time, instead of looking 3 feet to his left to read the clock. He might as well just said, “Hey someone give me a relentless barrage of humiliating insults which will throw me into a mild depression and render me useless for the rest of the day.” Almost immediately after this Seaman nub asked his question, I fired back with, “It’s time for your mom to get fucked in the ass by all those prison guards.” Mouth agape, he turned around without saying a word a left the mess decks, the guffaws bellowing down the passageway and ringing in his head.
Some people deserve all the verbal abuse they get. With the kinder-gentler Navy quietly taking over, the Barney techniques for dealing with punk assholes are wearing pretty thin. I miss the old days when a roll of EB green tape and a grease gun could take care of any intolerable, cocky shit bag. The ripping noise from a roll of EB Green sent nubs running for cover.

*Thought: Only on a submarine would you hear this conversation:

“Holy shit. What the hell is that smell?”
“It smells like shit. Are we blowing sans or something?”
“Dude, I think that’s chow.”

I have to say that it is pretty bad when you can’t even distinguish the smell coming from the ventilation as either shit or what you are about to eat after watch.
Another unique statement:

“Ya know, the cool thing about sweat ass is that when you take a shit, it doesn’t take long to wipe.”

It would appear at first glance that submariners have a fecal fetish but it’s really nothing more than conversational backslide when there really isn’t anything else to talk about. With a crew of around 120, and a total of only 4 shitters for the blue shirts, conflicts are bound to occur, especially right after drills or wake ups. Everyone is up and most have to take a shit. I would have never thought I would have gotten used to the smell of (someone else’s) shit while I was brushing my teeth or even be able to not even notice the sound of flatulation echoing in the stainless steel shitters. Just another day.

“The cool thing about taking a shit after a fire drill is that it doesn’t take long to flush because the trim header is still pressurized.”

There is an inboard shitter that leaks flushing water. To prevent an overflow the ball valve is left cracked open. I did not know about the condition of this ball valve and fully shit it before I sat down to do my business. I reached around to wipe and my knuckle brushed the rising turd that was only inches away from my butt cheeks. Good thing I don’t mess around when I take a dump or I would have been picking it up off the floor after it overflowed out of the bowl. I digress.

Physical abuse aboard a sub is pretty much gone. It just isn’t worth losing a stripe over. It broke my heart when the Zero Tolerance Hazing policy was introduced and the first sacrificial lambs were busted for tacking on dolphins. An age old tradition congratulating and accepting a new shipmate into the brotherhood of submarines was lost forever. As sorry as I was to see it go, however, I could easily see why it had to be throttled.

I remember a Seaman who, after just 5 months, received his fish. As he stepped into AMR an A-Ganger congratulated him by picking up Thor, a lead hammer, and pummeling his chest just once. The dolphins split in half and embedded the backs of the pins into his chest. Gasping for air, the seaman stood up and watched the bloodstain slowly appear and spread on his shirt. He was barraged a half dozen more times before leaving the machinery space. His shirt was ruined and his top two ribs bruised.

I was greeted with the same response in AMR but not as bad when I got my fish in September 1989. In fact, right after I received my fish from the Captain during Quarters on the Pier, a fellow Sonarman turned around immediately after were dismissed. He gave me my first punch and almost knocked me off the pier after I tripped over something. But even with all the punching, hitting with foreign objects and even kicking, I knew that it would all be over at the end of the day. I was initiated into the most elite and protective fraternity in the world- I was now a Submariner. I was someone the crew could trust with their life. I took the punches as an unspoken, “Good job. You made it.”

The next 4 years

Wow, I hadn't really finished my last post on election day when, only 13 minutes after the polls closed here in CA, Obama had reached the 270 electoral votes. I almost feel bad for the people on the West coast who waited in line for 2 hours to vote for McCain.

I honestly feel the better candidate did not win and the close popular vote showed that Americans were almost divided on whom should pick up the office for the next 4 years. But only time will tell, as with everything, but I hope that Obama's presidency will not weaken our country like Clinton's did. Speaking of which, it was a historic day because the United States has elected it's second black President.

I don't see much change coming in the next 4 years though. Obama's liberal and consistent voting record will be his benchmark for me. I hope that he proves me wrong because our country is desperate need for some help. But I don't have much faith in a man who, along with his party, do not support the idea of teachers passing out aspirins to students but then think it is perfectly reasonable for an underage girl to get an abortion and the parents should not be notified. I don't get it. In fact, the Proposition on our CA ballot for parental notification and waiting period did NOT pass. People are retarded.

I am happy to say that most of the Propositions I voted for passed. Thank God the chickens now have room to flap their wings before their heads are chopped off (Prop 2). Prop 8 passed and homosexuals will have to wait a little longer to get married, or, in my opinion, have a civil union. I feel bad for the people who waited in line at the chapels and courthouses who then had to go home single. At least CA allows domestic partnerships, unlike Florida (a.k.a Hell's Waiting Room) that passed a Prop to eliminate them. My home state of AR showed it's backward thinking by disallowing people who aren't married to adopt. It was originally targeted for same sex couples but that would be discriminatory so they included everyone. Let's hope Obama can change all this, right?

Generally speaking, I wasn't really bummed that Obama won, unlike the feelings of disbelief and angst when Clinton won a second term despite everything that happened in his first 4 years. I think that the last few elections have shown that the younger candidate that can actually hold their own in a debate will win the presidency. Republicans need to be grooming their own minority, 4 year Senator with no experience and they will win by a landslide.

For the record- The race to 270

Today was the first time in 20 years that I actually went to a polling station to cast my vote. I had sent in absentee ballots the whole time I was in the Navy so this was an eye-opening experience. My polling station is small and I was the 8th person to cast their vote this morning. Starbucks gave me a free cup of coffee for my civic duty.

I think this election will be a nail biter but as I am writing this Obama has taken a significant lead in electoral votes. I have always though the electoral process is crap and that the popular vote should be the deciding factor. As it stands, it is a race to 270, and the McCain/Palin ticket is lagging.

Besides the Presidential vote, there were some important propositions here in CA that were also on the ballot. There were also a few people running for reelection of offices in the state that I did not really care about- so I wrote in my name. I have a pretty good shot at taking Judge of Superior Court #6 since Peter McBrian is running unopposed.

So, without regret, here are my selections for my first non-absentee election:

Pres/V.P.- McCain/Palin (see my previous posts for my reasons)
Congressman District 3- Dan Lungren
Senator- Dave Cox

Prop 1- High Speed Train YES
Prop 2- Farm Animal confinement YES
Prop 3- Children's Hospital Grant NO (they have plenty of money that hasn't been used since 2004)
Prop 4- Waiting period and parental notification for under age huzzies who get knocked up and want an abortion YES
Prop 5- Nonviolent drug offenses etc. YES
Prop 6- Cop funding, criminal penalties and laws NO (not worded good enough for me)
Prop 7- Renewable energy intiative NO (Seems counterintuitive for me since I work in that industry but there are too many loopholes for big power companies to soak taxpayers)
Prop 8- Same sex marriages protected NO (Stop calling it marriage. Get married in a church, get a civil union in a courthouse for taxes, with holdings etc. and be done with it)
Prop 9- Victim's right for Parole notification HELL YES
Prop 10- Alternative feul vehicles NO (rewrite because it is too vague and gives too much leniency for things to get effed up)
Prop 11- redistrictin ginitiative YES
Prop 12- Veteran's Bond act UHH, HELL YEAH


Tomorrow dawns a new age either way.

Second round Pres debate /wrist

Not much to say about last night's continuation of the first debate 4 weeks ago. Each didn't really say anything, both slammed each other, each misrepresented the other's policies, plans, and stances on the issues.

The transcript is even more tortuous to read than watching the actual debate, which this time did not include a podium and had Tom Brokaw moderating. Those were the two key differences between both Presidential debates. Like I said, voters will not be able to glean anything the candidates actually say because there is just too much rhetoric; it is like being in a House of Mirrors at the carnival.

There is one thing that is becoming increasingly more apparent to me as the weeks drone on and that is the position of the Vice President. We can name a dozen VP's who were not very inspiring, articulate or even well known. The same can be said of Biden and Palin but there is something these two VP hopefuls have the other ones didn't really have a shot at- actually taking over as President.

McCain is less than a year away from hitting 70- normally not that big of a deal but McCain has had a tough life. I don't know anything about his medical history but those years in a POW camp probably caused some long term health issues.

Obama is a different story. He is young and in visibly good health but, at the risk of sounding racist, he is black. There are a lot of backwards ass rednecks that wouldn't take too kindly of a black man in charge. I'm just throwing that out there as a possibility- you can be sure that the Secret Service will have their jobs cut out for them if Obama is elected.

So who does that leave us as the next President of the U.S. during a time in our history where we are surrounded by our enemies, both inside and outside our homeland, we are in the worst financial crisis of our lifetime (and probably our parent's lifetime), and we continue to fall farther behind the rest of the world in education and social programs. Hell, even immigration has declined slightly since the financial crisis hit the news.

Americans are losing their jobs, their retirements, their homes, and their sanity. Which one of these candidates can pull it all together? Can any of them? Can any of them pull the reigns on the Wall Street jackoffs who got us into this mess and punish them?

/rhetorical questioning=OFF

Yahoo News had a pretty good round up of some of the issues that were (kind of) touched on last night. It helps when trying to weed through the actual debate. Their information came from factcheck.org

OBAMA: Said McCain's proposal to give people a tax credit in exchange for treating employers' health insurance contributions as taxable wages amounts to "what one hand giveth, the other hand taketh away."

THE FACTS: Obama's suggestion that McCain's health care plan is a wash for families is misleading. McCain offers families a $5,000 tax credit to help them buy health insurance. The corresponding increase in taxable wages would result in a much smaller cost than the value of the tax credit, at least at first. Over time, the value of the tax credit may diminish as premiums rise. However, the Tax Policy Center estimates that McCain's plan would increase the federal deficit by $1.3 trillion over 10 years — mainly because it would lead to less tax revenue coming in, meaning it is a true tax break overall.

___

McCAIN: Said he would provide a $5,000 refundable tax credit for families to buy health insurance "rather than mandates or fines for small businesses as Sen. Obama's plan calls for."

THE FACTS: Obama's health care plan does not impose mandates or fines on small business. He would provide small businesses with a refundable tax credit of up to 50 percent on health premiums paid on behalf of their employees. Also, large employers that do not offer meaningful coverage or contribute to the cost of coverage would be required to pay a percentage of payroll toward the costs of a public insurance plan. But small businesses would be exempt from that requirement.

___

OBAMA: "Actually I'm cutting more than I'm spending so that it will be a net spending cut."

THE FACTS: The bipartisan Committee for a Responsible Federal Budget estimates Obama would increase spending by $425 billion over four years and reduce spending by $144 billion for a net increase in the deficit of $281 billion. Obama has said he'll cut pork-barrel programs and the costs of the war in Iraq to pay for his programs — as well as raise taxes on the wealthy — but the specifics of his new spending plans outweigh the few spending cuts he's identified.

___

McCAIN: Said one way out of the financial crisis is to "stop sending $700 billion a year to countries that don't like us."

THE FACTS: Although he didn't spell it out, he was referring — as he has in the past — to purchases of oil from countries hostile to the U.S. The figure is inflated and misleading. The U.S. is not spending nearly that much on oil imports and roughly one-third of what it does spend goes to friendly countries such as Canada, Mexico and Britain.

___

OBAMA: Blamed some of the problem of terrorism in the Afghanistan-Pakistan region on Bush administration policy in Pakistan, saying "We can't coddle, as we did, a dictator, give him billions of dollars and then he's making peace treaties with the Taliban and militants."

THE FACTS: Obama oversimplifies ex-President Pervez Musharraf's approach to making peace deals. In fact, the U.S.-backed Musharraf focused more heavily on military action, launching blistering attacks on the militants at times and negotiating peace deals with them at others. Obama also ignores the fact that Pakistan's newly elected civilian government, also U.S.-supported, is seeking the same kind of peace deals and has stepped back from heavy-handed tactics that were pursued by the Musharraf government.

___

McCAIN: Said Obama had voted for tax increases "94 times."

THE FACTS: This inflated count, heard before, includes repetitive votes as well as votes to cut taxes for the middle class while raising them on the rich. An analysis by factcheck.org found that 23 of the votes were for measures that would have produced no tax increase at all, seven were in favor of measures that would have lowered taxes for many, 11 would have increased taxes on only those making more than $1 million a year.

___

OBAMA: "I believe this is a final verdict on the failed economic policies of the last eight years, strongly promoted by President Bush and supported by Sen. McCain, that essentially said that we should strip away regulations, consumer protections, let the market run wild, and prosperity would rain down on all of us."

THE FACTS: McCain has indeed favored less regulation over the years but supported tighter rules and accountability on Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac two years before the start of a financial crisis prompted in part by those giant mortgage underwriters. Obama was not a leader in that unsuccessful effort. Some of the current problems can be traced to legislation passed in 1999 that lifted many regulations over the financial industry. That deregulation was championed by then-Sen. Phil Gramm, R-Texas, a McCain supporter, but also by President Clinton, who signed the legislation, and by former Clinton Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin, now a top Obama economic adviser.

___

MCAIN: "Oil drilling offshore now is vital so we can bridge the gap between imported oil ... and it will reduce the price of a barrel of oil. ... We've got to drill offshore and do it now."

THE FACTS: The government estimates that opening the Atlantic and Pacific coasts and eastern Gulf of Mexico to drilling "will not have a significant impact on domestic crude oil and natural gas production or prices before 2030." Even then, it would only increase domestic oil production by 3 percent.

This is why we fail

WASHINGTON - Days after it got a federal bailout, American International Group Inc. spent $440,000 on a posh California retreat for its executives, complete with spa treatments, banquets and golf outings, according to lawmakers investigating the company's meltdown.

AIG sent its executives to the coastal St. Regis resort south of Los Angeles even as the company tapped into an $85 billion loan from the government it needed to stave off bankruptcy. The resort tab included $23,380 worth of spa treatments for AIG employees, according to invoices the resort turned over to the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee.

Yes, you read that correctly. The same assholes the government bailed out so that millions of Americans could have a chance to salvage what is left of their retirements, homes, et al just threw a Sweet 16 party- and we weren't invited.

This just reaks of one of those "Priceless" commercials. At least Obama is shaking his finger at them. That should help.

My $.02

This presidential election is going to be doozy. The whole process will drain me emotionally and intellectually until the moment the results are flung to the world this November, which is only 30 days away. I watched both debates and I have reflected on both what was said and what wasn’t said.

Obama is a great speaker; he reminds me of Bill Clinton in a lot of ways and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the same people have prepped both men. But I hold the same mistrust for both men also. I believe that the election is not going to be won by policies and attacks on the opposition’s stances but by whom the American people trust the most. Let’s face it, neither the Obama-Biden nor the McCain-Palin tickets are that impressive when it comes to combining all the elements of what a U.S. President should have. But then again, I can’t remember an election when they did.

Obama has had a tough time with the Ad Hominem fallacy of “guilt by association.” The first blow out was with, ironically, Obama’s preacher, Jeremiah Wright. Wright and Farrakhan could roll together on the “Kill Whitey” campaign train. In fact, while Obama may disagree with what these two hate mongers preach he has no problem with their continued support.

Another violent connection can be found between Obama and William Ayers, a former(?) member of a terrorist group called The Weather Underground Organization. This group claimed responsibility for several bombings in Chicago during the early 1970’s. Ayers commented that he regrets not setting off more bombs in an interview with the NY Times. Obama and Ayers worked together on a board for an anti-poverty group. Ayers is now a professor and the University of Illinois Chicago. There was a lot of commotion when it was discovered that Ayers sent a campaign contribution to Obama thereby creating one more financial tie to another scum bag. Granted it was only $200 but again, Obama had no problems accepting the contribution. Bill Dyer offers some insight into the life of this despicable man- Ayers, that is.

NYT minimizes and conceals both extent and seriousness of Obama's multi-year ties to terrorist Ayes over multi-million-dollar conspiracy to radicalize American education

Brokaw claims Ayers is now a mere "school reformer"

Tony Rezko was plunged into the spotlight at the beginning of the year, but only for a short time, before Obama damaged control rushed to the scene with their patch kits. Here is an interesting article on Rezko by the Chicago Sun-Times. I thought it was kind of funny that Hillary was the one to start the momentum for this scumbag. Then again, she is the queen of underhanded activities and what better person to flush it out than someone with first hand
experience in the area of corruption and coverup.

There are probably others but they are little fish compared to these 3. Perhaps more will surface in the upcoming months but at this point it would have to be a picture of Obama french kissing bin Laden while doing the Dance of the Flaming Asshole with the American flag to really raise my eyebrows.

It is hard for me to figure out which candidate has the better programs or plans for our future. Each has its own website that elegantly lays out just how much better off we will be by choosing the webmaster’s financier. There are even sites that juxtapose each candidate’s views in a two-column format to frustrate us even more. The sites are good for viewing the partisan views of the candidates and what they think about abortion, gay marriage, etc. but not for getting into the nitty gritty. For example, each candidate says the other voted against or for something but doesn’t get into why they cast that vote. Obama shakes his finger at McCain for “not supporting the troops” when voting against a bill geared towards education benefits for service members but it takes some research to find out why McCain did that. Additionally, both McCain and Obama share the same views on a lot of issues.

I was really hoping that the debates would be the deal clincher- that we could finally gain some insight into the views of the candidates that would break up the “Tastes Great, Less Filling” atmosphere. I was wrong. Obama gave an impressive performance and was well groomed for the debate. McCain pissed me off by not directly addressing either the moderator or Obama. There were several times McCain could have gone for the jugular but instead fell back on his autobiography. Obama spoke but didn’t really say anything. They both shit on each other’s voting history on key issues but the rebuttals left me wanting to get a refill on my glass of Chianti. But I didn’t dare leave.

The VEEP debates focused on what I had expected- “Hey, my Presidential nominee is the greatest.” Good thing for Palin, I guess, since she doesn’t sem to do very well when it comes to talking about the roles of government, world events, or addressing an issue she doesn’t know anything about. But I forgave her because she is more down to earth than Biden and her rising MILF status is nothing to sneeze at either. She didn’t do that bad, but I wanted her to stick it to Biden and Obama by actually answering the damn questions. Coming back to old topics and saying, “And I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you want to hear, but I'm going to talk straight to the American people and let them know my track record also” really sounded like a cop out to me. I’m actually glad Biden called her out on the whole “We’re mavericks!” thing because, frankly, I was getting tired of hearing it. When hear maverick, I think of Tom Cruise banging Kelly McGillis in Top Gun, not candidates for an election.

Not one of the four candidates impressed me with their plan to get us out of this financial mess we are in. Pelosi has been chiming in with what she thinks is the problem- THE REPUBLICANS AND GEORGE BUSH!!! Hey, Pelosi, you have had control of everything for two years now- you can’t use the lame duck as a guinea pig anymore. Both Obama and McCain warned of the times to come, more or less, but it really was the Democrats, many years ago, who got us in this mess, with the help of a few Republicans taking kickbacks. Don’t know who Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac are? No, they aren’t Hee Haw stars or comedians. Here is the lowdown via Gather.com:

The [Community Reivestment Act of 1974] bill encouraged the Federal National Mortgage Association, commonly known as Fannie Mae, to enable mortgage companies, savings and loans, commercial banks, credit unions, and state and local housing finance agencies to lend to home buyers. It also encouraged the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation, commonly known as Freddie Mac, to buy mortgages on the secondary market and sell them as mortgage-backed securities on the open market.

Sounds good so far. But only now are we feeling the after effects of Bill Clinton, more specifically his deregulation of the industry. Fannie and Mac picked up $12 Trillion of the mortgage market. “NO credit, bad credit, illegal alien, NO PROBLEM!” Now people can’t pay their bills and the housing market is crumbling. It is definitely a buyer’s market if you can find a bank to finance you. But even the banks are scared now. I can easily count a dozen houses for sale just on the 2 block walk to my son’s school. Billy Bob may not have caused the crisis but he sure didn’t help prevent it. It is a very complicated issue, as is anything concerning that amount of money, and there are many other sites who sum it up better than I can.

The shot heard ‘round the world happened last week when the bailout plan was defeated in the House. Stocks plunged, tempers flared, and the rest of us are still wondering just what the hell is going to happen in the months ahead. The Great Depression is looking for a comeback and it very well might happen. At first, I was pissed that it was defeated. After all, the government was going to buy back the mortgages and then…. Oh wait, the government was going to get involved. That bit of info finally set in and I snapped out of my financial fever. Here is the poop on the old bail out plan via Yahoo News:

The legislation the administration promoted would have allowed the government to buy bad mortgages and other sour assets held by troubled banks and other financial institutions. Getting those debts off their books should bolster those companies' balance sheets, making them more inclined to lend and ease one of the biggest choke points in a national credit crisis. If the plan worked, the thinking went, it would help lift a major weight off the national economy, which is already sputtering.

But what the plan also did was lift the responsibility of bad decisions from the asshole institutions that got us into this mess in the first place. It essentially gave them a “Get out of jail FREE” card. The government would pick up the tab and then slip it into our pocket when we weren’t looking. American’s saw the writing on the wall and email, telephoned, telegraphed, pigeon mailed their concerns to their Congressmen and Representatives who wisely let the people win this battle. A new bail out plan was approved today but did this bill pass? Money at CNN has some info:

House Minority Whip Roy Blunt, R-Mo., told reporters before the vote on Friday morning that three things have happened to change some Republican members' opposition to the bill since the House defeated the measure on Monday: more calls to their district offices in support of the bill; a clarification of SEC accounting rules; and the Senate additions, passed on Wednesday, including a number of tax break extenders and an increase in FDIC deposit insurance coverage.

The NY Times has an FAQ concerning the Historic Bailout Plan and its implications. It does a decent job of explaining how and why the average person who isn’t involved with swapping stocks or defaulting on a home loan are going to be affected by the bail out. It is definitely one for the history books. Here is another article written by William Grieder at The Nation.com that skillfully breaks down why Americans should be pissed off at the bail out plan and the people who got us into this mess.

I can safely say that 30 days will be longest I have ever held my breath. The tension in the weeks to come will be similar to the final scene in The Birdcage.

Karma , jackass. Karma...

13 years after murdering his ex-wife, O.J. is convicted of going totally bat shit crazy and pulling a gun on memorabilia collectors. Of course there will be an appeal and another, ad nauseum. But I think O.J. is finally headed to the big juicer to finally get what's coming to him, preferably a life sentence as someone's bitch in the state penitentiary. I guess his next book will be If I didn't do it.

Thanks, Paul

Paul Newman died today at the age of 83.

What we've got here, is a sad day in history. My favorite films are Cool Hand Luke and Slap Shot. He did play a great pool shark though. He also served in the U.S. Navy.

Thanks for the great films, your service, and the salad dressing.


"I can eat 50 eggs. And for the record, I would steer clear of me for about 3 days after."

Dastardly Deed

I remember exactly what I was doing this day 7 years ago. It isn’t important but it is one of those remembrances of my lifetime that parallels the Space Shuttle disasters, the day President Reagan was shot and the death of John Wayne. For me however, this event still, and probably always will, tighten my gut and cause a few tears well up in the corners of my eyes.

I will not watch any memorials or September 11 rehashes on the news. I don’t need them to remember who did this to us, why they did it, and why the lives of millions of Americans have never been, and probably never will be, the same since that day. September 11 rivals the attack on Pearl Harbor and Roosevelt’s description of the December 7 attack as a “dastardly deed” just doesn’t seem apropos to describe the actions that happened in NYC, the Pentagon, and Flight 93 that never made it to its target. But the terrorists did awaken a sleeping giant that day.

For too long our countrymen suffered attacks overseas by Muslim extremists and for too long we suffered attacks on our own soil before finally doing something about it. It has been a long 7 years, even longer for the men and women of the United States military who have fought in Afghanistan and Iraq. But it is a different war than what our fathers and grandfathers fought and died in. It seems like there is something missing from Americans today in this War on Terror. Resolve, mutual cooperation, and pride were elements of a mantra adopted by Americans during the World Wars that seemed to dissipate when our involvement in Vietnam launched us into an unpopular war with some Americans- much like the war in Iraq.

I see the war in Iraq and an opportunity for politics to dictate our actions instead of our resolve, our will to defeat an enemy being trumped by rules and laws that protect them. There have been some mistakes in this war on terror, some only realized in the perfect 20/20 vision of hindsight and some warned of from the start. Instead of learning from them or even correcting them, lawmakers, politicians, and Republicans and Democrats alike, use the mistakes as ammo to attack each other. There is more of a fight in Washington to defeat the other party than there is in defeating the terrorists who want to kill us.

McCain and Obama agreed to pull their ads on this day in a show of respect. Why would they have to do that unless the ads are so negative that they distract from anything else that might be on? Yahoo! didn’t even bother to commemorate the lives of the 2974 Americans and visitors who were killed on September 11- but they did have a cute banner graphic for the Olympics and ducks for Mother’s Day. They couldn’t make the “H” in Yahoo to look like the twin towers? Google is no better. It must be too much of a risk to put something on their homepage that might stir up some emotion or patriotism.

While most Americans live their lives oblivious to the war we are fighting, unless it causes their gas costs to increase or that they miss a tv show because a September 11 special is on, I will never forget.