Southwest Airlines: Farewell, Pretzel Mix. Hello, Pistachio Uprising.

Southwest just joined the rest of the airline provider herd, and half the internet is acting like the apocalypse has boarding priority. I am fine with these changes and have one more I'd like Southwest to implement.

Let’s recap the “controversy”:

Baggage fees:
$35 first, $45 second. Big whoop. If that breaks you, your trip was already over budget. Plus, A-List, Business Select, and SWAL cardholders still fly with free bags.

What, you mean loyalty actually means something!? I'm in that group, so this doesn't affect me.

Good luck finding a lower price on baggage fees, unless you prepay with a credit card when you book your flight. Here's the reality:

If the baggage fee is going to break your trip, then don't buy a big lunch when you get to Disneyland.

If you are changing airlines out of protest, then goodie gumdrops to you. Go fly Spirit and let us know how it goes.

Snack outrage: 
Pistachios are in. Bring your own if that crushes your spirit. Who flies an airline based on the snack? Go get a stroopwaffle from United if this bothers you. How cushy is your life that an airline snack ruins your day?

"Buh...buh... what about my peanut allergy?!?!"

About 2% of the population has it, but somehow that means the other 98% have to gnaw on cardboard for eternity. If someone’s EpiPen can’t handle the scent of a pistachio five rows away,

maybe sealed air travel isn’t the mode of travel for them.
 

Medical science can take care of that allergy, unless you just like to be able to point to your kid to make him special and inconvenience people, because your life is miserable. 

Here's an idea: all you moms band together and start a GoFundMe for a new airline called Pussies with Peanut Allergies.

Two-seat rule (fat tax): 
Call it what you want, but some of us like to keep our ribcages uncrushed. If you need a fattie seat belt extender, then you pay for two seats. This is a win-win for everyone else, and it's about time an airline stepped up and made it more comfortable for the rest of us.

Wheelchair rule:
First of all, as some hysterical people claim (like the two older ladies behind me at the Walmart checkout line this week), Southwest Airlines is not banning wheelchairs. 

FAA said lithium batteries can’t ride under the plane. Southwest just followed orders. It’s not cruelty; it’s compliance.

Rascal riders must remove the lithium-ion battery pack and carry it with them in the cabin- just like every other Li-ion battery-powered device you fly with.

And this ties into the previous point, most of the Rascals lined up to preboard probably belong to the people who will be paying for two seats anyway.


Southwest didn’t “sell out.” They just stopped cosplaying as the friendly neighborhood airline. Welcome to the real world where you pay for your own bag, mourn your dead snack mix, and quietly applaud the new fat tax for saving your armrest from sweaty spillover.