Obama Attempts to Address the Nation

FROM THE OVAL OFFICE

Good evening. It’s an honor to be speaking to you for the first time from the Oval Office.

(Silence)

Is it . . .  why isn’t it rolling? Thank you for letting me – CAN WE GET THE TELEPROMPTER WORKING???

(Silence)

CAN WE GET THE TELEPROMPTER WORKING???

(Silence)

OK, let’s just wing it. Thank you, my American fellows, for letting me into your homes, into your hearts, and out of your minds.

(Silence)

What I mean by that is I want to connect not with your minds, but with your hearts. I want to go mindless for a change. You know, to show you what’s in my heart, my emotions, and that sort of stuff. My deep compassion for the people of the Gulf who have lost all their fish. I mean, like, who have lost their fishing industries. And for the birds and the oily turtles, and so forth. In short, what I want to say is, ‘Message: I care.’

(silence)

CAN WE GET THE TELEPROMPTER WORKING??? RAHM?? THIS IS IT. I’M FINISHED WITH YOU. I’M PUTTING AXELROD IN CHARGE!!

(silence)

I went to the Gulf Monday to establish a connection with the people there. I believe a connection has been established. So now we are connected.

(silence)

BP stands for Bad People. And I’m going to kick their asses. I’m going to stand up for the American people. Stand up on one foot, and with the other foot, I’m going to kick their asses.

This is the worst environmental disaster this nation has faced since Larry Summers farted in the Roosevelt Room. Sorry, a little inside humor there.

BP has tried to make a fool of me, and it’s working.

I mean the teleprompter. It’s working. Should I start at the top? OK scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, THERE. That’s where I am. OK. Oh crap, it’s down again.

Listen, just, you know, to the people of the Gulf, the only thing you have to fear is fear itself, you know, that kind of thing. And to British Petroleum, don’t ask what our country can do for you, ask what you can do for our country. Get it, buttheads?

I was out in a boat on the Gulf yesterday, and it really hit home. I said to Admiral Thad Allen, ‘You know, I can smell the oil.’ And he said to me, ‘Actually, that’s the exhaust from the boat engine.’ And I said, ‘You see what I mean?’ And he gave me this weird look.

Anyhoo, I hope you’ve enjoyed tonight’s presentation. It was a pleasure for you to see me and be with you.

You know, there are some who say America’s chickens are coming home to roost. And I say to them: Chickens have nothing to do with this.

So thank you. And may God bless America.