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October 2, 2010

Sorry about all that syphillis, Guatemala.

As the Obama administration continues its World Apology Tour 08-12, Secretary of State Clin-ton formally apologized to the Guatemalan people for human STD experiments that were carried out in 1946. For two years, and with the approval of the Guatemalan government, the U.S. intentionally infected people by offering some sexy time with infected prostitutes. Since it is almost impossible to get men to have consensual sex with prostitutes, these pioneers of disease control decided to send the prostitutes to sexually depraved men in prison and in mental health institutions. What better way to conduct a controlled study!

Kathleen Sebelius, the Health and Human Services Secretary, joined in and issued a formal apology to the Central American nation and to Guatemalan residents of the United States. The Guatemalan government was not available for immediate comment, however a former Guatemalan inmate known only as Agador had this to say:
"Even though we were intentionally infected it was one helluva experiment. Lots of bareback sex followed up by a few shots of penicillin or whatever else they were testing. Of course some guys weren't so lucky. Note to self: you cannot treat ghonnorea with penile subcutaneous habanero pepper injections."
Sebelious happened to stumbled on to the experiment while trying to one-up long time rival Susan Reverby, famous for outing a joint Guatemalan-US study called the "Tuskegee Experiment". 
I was looking through some old files that Reverby used to expose the Tuskegee Experiment so that I could post some disparaging remarks on her Facebook page", said Sebelious.
Instead of trying to knock Reverby down a notch, Sebelious decided to go to President Obama who cut Sebelious off in mid sentence and asked her to go with Clin-ton and apoligize. He also suggested that they mention it was probably Bush's fault. Alhtough Clin-ton and Sebelious managed to aplogize, the blame-Bush statement was inadvertantly left out because Sebelious was star struck.
"I used to watch the Crypt Keeper when I was younger and Secretary of State Clin-ton is the best Crypt Keeper impersonator I've ever seen. I just got caught up." 

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