Aloha Dump

As I wipe the sleep from my eyes this morning my wife asks me if I already know about the submarine that ran aground near Guam. I tell her no and I have a compelling desire to go to work on a Saturday so I can read the secret message boards to find out what the papers can't say. I think I'll wait until Monday. It always amazes when a submarine hits the bottom of the ocean since we have so many safeguards to prevent it. Highly trained navigation divisions make it their priority to keep the ship safe using radar, charts, satellites, and good old fashioned compasses (well, they are bit more sophisticated than the compass you get out of a Cracker Jack box). The boat even has a sextant for crying out loud. The USS SAN FRANCISCO was the victim of this incident and unfortunately, along with the black eye to the Navy, several crew members were hurt. The boat was submerged when the grounding took placed and, to me, that makes it even more scary. I am brought back to the USS GR...

Almost on que with my January 3 post, Time Magazine has a special report issue dated January 10th. Jeffrey D. Sachs wrote a compelling essay that ended up on the next to the last page of the issue. His essay can be read online here .

Even though they eat moose penis, speak bastardized French, and get slammed by South Park on a regular basis I have to applaud the Canadians for coming to our side when the rest of the world shits on us. Here is a great article from Peter Worthington of the Toronto Sun.

This event hasn’t even made it to the Yahoo news site yet and I must say that I feel like a real reporter or something. Ashlee Simpson was third on the pecking order of Simpsons tonight at the FedEx Orange Bowl behind her sister Jessica and that wife killer O.J. Among her many talents such as burping the alphabet Ashlee was supposed to “sing” tonight at the halftime show, assuming her lip-synching coordination has improved. After an ending of a suspiciously close GnR rendition of Welcome to the Jungle, butchered like a spring hog, she was promptly, and deservedly, booed by the thousands of people who had the misfortune of watching her. I’ll take a thousand “wardrobe malfunctions” any day rather than listen to this bleating foal. Ashlee, you no-talent, riding-on-the-tails-of-your-retarded-looking-when-she-sings-sister, do us all a favor and do something more constructive with your talents- like becoming a fluffer at the next Ron Jeremy fuck-a-thon. We all understand that you are ...

Journey wrote a song that went something like “When the lights go down in the city…” and I think of it every time I look out from my lanai at the apartment building across from me. It seems like the lights never really out; no matter what time of the day or night there are always lights on this side of the building. I am reminded of a quote from The Matrix where Agent Smith tells Morpheous, “Millions of people just living their lives… oblivious.” Here are a series of shots of this building showing the fluctuation of lights in respect to the time of day. There is no scientific data printout or social thesis for this observation. I guess it is about as tepid as a research paper but I found it interesting at the time so I went with it. 7 a.m. 7:00 p.m. 10:30 p.m. 2 a.m.

$350 million, a carrier battle group with 400 marines offering help, and millions of dollars of donations from around the world still aren't enough to keep the assholes from bashing the U.S. and its efforts to bring relief to the tsunami victims. Sandra Bullock gave $1M of her own money for crying out loud. I guess it doesn't matter what we do there is always going to be catch 22 for our actions as a nation. Something that raised an eyebrow with me is that it seems like it is always the dirt poor countries that get rammed with these catastrophes. AIDS epidemics in poor African countries, tsunami victims in poor Asian countries, and then Florida gets hit by 4 hurricanes in close succession. I bring up FL because it seemed like they only showed the trailer parks that got hit. Being from AR I can appreciate that because the local news would always show the mutilated trailer parks after a tornado would bitch slap its way through the state. It is tragic, it sucks for the sur...

The carpet is intact, most of the food was eaten, a lot of the alcohol is gone, the last of the dishes are washing and the designated drivers left sober this morning (1 a.m.-ish). I'd say it was a successful NYE celebration. It is ironic that the rain that is falling on this first day of a new year symbolizes washing away of the old and the two-handed ringing in of the new. The streets around here are making their own gravy in the rain as the fireworks wrappers, puke, booze, and bad memories of 2004 go rushing down the sewers. To the people read my blog (both of them) I wish you a safe, prosperous, and fun new year.

I can appreciate the Asian tradition of fireworks when it comes to special events like NYE. Hell, even my redneck side appreciates a good M-80 in a frog's ass every now and then but this is getting ridiculous. For 3 days now the kids have been lighting off fireworks, well, not even fireworks just annoyingly loud firecrackers. Nothing to appreciate, just a loud noise and some smoke. The earliest I heard one was this morning at 8:30 but they were going on as late as midnight the last few nights. I can also appreciate the culture of Hawaii but there isn't anything cultural about a bunch of shithead kids lighting off dynamite at the bus stop all day long.

A freak tsunami wipes out over 150k in Asia on Christmas Eve and now 175 people have died in a nightclub fire with more than 400 hurt. Nightclub Safety Tip #14: Leave the backdoor unlocked/unchained when hundreds of people are watching a concert and there exists the possibility that some jackass will ignite a fekkin flare inside the club.

Hilton is the unholy apex of the douchebag persona. South Park "Whore" episode

So Hawaii is in the news again, this time not for Christmas tree gouging, but for not being able to get a hold of anyone in Sri Lanka to let them know a freakin tidal wave was coming. What I find dubious about the article was the mention of "over worked" Hawaii employees in the Tsunami Warning Center. On Christmas day. In the middle of hte night? Don't get me wrong, I feel for the victims in the Indian Ocean and the cleanup efforts will take a long time. However, this state gets its ass kicked when it comes to designing roads and issuing public policies that aren't from the dark ages. Is the Tsunami Warning Service above the "Island Style" attitude? I hope so.

One gossip columnest will no longer cover any Paris Hilton events. I applaud this man and encourage all the other writers and television advertisers who insist on putting this stupid, stuck-up, whore in the forefront of the media. For that matter, stick Snoop Dogg in that category also. Enough already. Cold Turkey: No More Paris for Columnist