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January 4, 2005

Ashlee Simpson: Luh hoo - suh her

This event hasn’t even made it to the Yahoo news site yet and I must say that I feel like a real reporter or something.

Ashlee Simpson was third on the pecking order of Simpsons tonight at the FedEx Orange Bowl behind her sister Jessica and that wife killer O.J. Among her many talents such as burping the alphabet Ashlee was supposed to “sing” tonight at the halftime show, assuming her lip-synching coordination has improved. After an ending of a suspiciously close GnR rendition of Welcome to the Jungle, butchered like a spring hog, she was promptly, and deservedly, booed by the thousands of people who had the misfortune of watching her. I’ll take a thousand “wardrobe malfunctions” any day rather than listen to this bleating foal.

Ashlee, you no-talent, riding-on-the-tails-of-your-retarded-looking-when-she-sings-sister, do us all a favor and do something more constructive with your talents- like becoming a fluffer at the next Ron Jeremy fuck-a-thon. We all understand that you are trying to portray this “bad girl” anti-Jessica image but, for crying out loud, you suck. You will always live in the shadow of your semi-talented sister so just deal with it.

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