Aloha Dump

So after an extremely nasty underway for our last certification before deployment I decided to take a week off and fly back to my homestate of Arkansas to see some family. It is depressing to find myself getting pissed here in AR at the very same things that annoy me in Hawaii. I guess retarded people are everywhere (no surprise there) but I was hoping to get away from all the ridiculousness at least for a while. I read in the local paper (Log Cabin Democrat, 5/12/05, Rural Schools Get Poor Marks, pg. 1B) about how southern schools suck as far as standardized test scores- my home state ranked 7th on the suck list. Coincidentally, I was just talking about the school systems in HI and AR yesterday with my family. The only thing Hawaii schools have going for them is that at least they aren't Mississippi who continually ranks as having the shittiest schools in the U.S. The ironic thing about this edition is that there is an article about the once thought to be extinct ivory billed woo...

I am ashamed of myself, really, for not giving this extended congratulatory handshake to my good friend Saucy Sauce who had a little baby boy not too long ago. My busy schedule has even prevented me from seeing him to give him a baby gift or something. Anyway, Saucy, you know I'm happy for you brother. As a father of 3 boys I can safely say you will have your hands full.

The Kokua Concert last night was freakin awesome. For those of you not hip to the Hawaiian language "kokua" means cooperation and is at the end of every public service announcement- "Please Kokua". What, you don't know the Hawaiian word for please? I have been waiting to see Jack Johnson for a while but his concerts usually sell out pretty fast. G Love was there and that was a bonus since I have been waiting to see him as well for about 3 years now. I got turned onto these two artists by a friend of mine when I started teaching myself to play guitar. Their music is fun to play and it isn't that hard, although G Love does have some riffs and harmonica playing that is out of my league. Jackson Brown was also there as well as a few local guys that put me to sleep with their slow-ass style of music. I love the slack key guitar playing but dude, play that slow shit during the daylight hours. Besides the fact that there was so much weed floating around we were get...

This is the 3rd time I've tried to make a post and due to technical difficulties I have had to restart my computer and lose my half written posts. I was going to just skip it but then I would terribly disappoint both of my readers. Nothing like a fire to bring the boat in early; today is a boat holiday so I finally get 2 days off in a row! My only duty-free weekend since February was flushed when we found out we have to support another boat's inspection. This almost makes up for it. Despite the retarded watch rotation this last underway it was pretty mild. A few drill sets, some training, nothing too bad. Our usual underway watches are 6 hours on and 12 hours off- we basically run on 18-hour days. Last underway we were in what is affectionately referred to as "Vulcan Death Watches", named after the Star Trek Vulcans who had an unusually high tolerance for pain. These watch rotations go like this: 4,4,4,6 and 6. They suck and do nothing but cycle the crew but for some ...

Darn, Anna Nichole Smith has cancelled a trip to Canada with some PETA assholes to protest seal hunting. Read about it here Evidently the sealers are getting more and more violent and PETA could not guarantee the blonde bimbo's safety. Too bad, she could use a good clubbing herself. Although I don't wear seal fur, or any other fur for that matter, it isn't because of a moral issue I have, it just looks stupid. It is kind of a social status thing for me, kind of like how the locals out here in Hawaii see how high they can lift their trucks. Although equally as retarded of a practice, at least the trucks are used for something practical, or could be used for some kind of off roading. Fur wearing is lame. And so is Anna Nichole Smith.

So we pulled in today a little earlier than expected. I guess when the periscope leaks during the deep dive it is time to get that pesky problem fixed. Of course the C.O. took almost 2 days to pull in but we are in nonetheless. I might feel a little better about it if he hadn't decided to get underway while Sonar was down, knowing that it was down before we left. To put this in perspective, would you get into your car wearing a blindfold and go to work? We stayed on the surface for 15 extra hours while me and my techs got the system working again. I forgot how much fun this sea duty shit is. I don't think the junior guys who had no place to sleep for 30 hours because the torpedo men had to move a whole room of weapons around shared my enthusiasm. Squadron riders took pictures of guys sleeping in spaces with makeshift racks because they had nowhere else to sleep. A Chief took pity on a guy and let him sleep in his rack. This would be like a first line manager in a civilian job l...

A fire on the submarine is probably the most feared casualty and it is this premise on which I based my prank. After a previous night's dinner of boat food and with 3 guys in Sonar, I cut loose a silent but violent fart that had been brewing for a while. As it escaped its dark prison I said with a straight but concerned face, "Does anybody smell smoke?" Everyone started taking deep breaths to overcome the blanketing smell of "the boat" and see if they too could smell smoke. Everyone of them got a full nose full of my ass. They have so much to learn.

Conversations have a funny way of evolving into crude bodily functions here at my new command and I am having a blast meeting my fellow crewmembers. I have duty today, for you civilians that means I have to stay onboard this boat for 24 hours, and a smokepit conversation got me cracking up. I was telling these guys about my colon blow pills that I take and how they make my farts smell like a stockyard in the summertime. One of the guys, let's call him Fred, told a story about his uncle who would eat this concoction of milk, cucumbers, vinegar, salt and pepper, and some other things that you normally wouldn't think go together with each other. So, Fred asks his uncle why the hell he's eating that nasty stuff and his uncle says, "I got court tomorrow." So this guy eats a foul mixture of a witch's brew so that he can fumigate a court room with his ass. I love this place. UPDATE ON DOGHOUSE: When I came in for duty today the doghouse had been fished out of the dri...

My first duty day was full of suprises. Promptly after turnover there is the following announcement on the General Announcing Circuit, the 1MC: "Man overboard!" I'm thinking that this is a drill to test the duty section's response time. Wrong. The ship's duty officer had fallen off the port side of boat when he stepped off the non-skid. A civilian worker was there when he fell off and immediatley fished him out using a firehose as a line. Hey, at least he had the forethought to do that much. The duty officer was relieved to change out of his wet clothes but not before another officer ran topside with the camera from the ship's office and rattled off a few shots. About 3 hours later the cover to the weapons shipping hatch, AKA the doghouse, blew off the hatch when a gust of wind lifted it up and over the hatch. The ironic part is that the doghouse had just been untied and rotated. Whoops, guess they should have tied it back down? Evidently, this is the 4th man ...

The Futurama Alien Alphabet appears in Matt Groening's animated series Futurama. It is used mainly to write signs which appear in the background of some scenes and which are often in-jokes. Why is it on my site? Because I have all four seasons and I will now rewatch them and pause the DVD's to read the signs written in the alien language. Do I know how to party or what?! I post this image of the alphabet so, if like me, you have nothing better to do, you can get a fresh look at an awesome series.

Yep, I bet the people on the right have a kickass time during Valentine's Day. They look like they are really in love. /sarcasm off comparatively speaking, the people on the left displaying this minor display of affection are on the same moral equivalency of a live sex show in the eyes of the onlookers. Maybe the guy on the right can give his wife her clitoris back for Valentine's Day. Nothing says "I love you" like a reattached clitoris.

Remember the guy who had his girlfriend staying with him in the barracks? They are getting married tomorrow morning at 8:00. I guess they got tired of moving around; hellloooooooo government housing. I mena what a great alternative to mooching on your friends- just get married and let the Navy pay for your house. We leave soon for 6 months. ANy bets for how long this marriage will last and how much debt this guy will be in when we get back from deployment? Ahhh, true love.