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October 31, 2004

Trick or Treat?

Why don't kids say that as a question instead of just a statement? I think we should give kids more tricks. It helps prepare them for life in that there are assholes out there who aren't always nice.

Well, so many things have happened since my last post and I don’t know where to start. Tonight will be a short entry because my kidney stone is giving me some serious problems tonight. I wish this thing would just pass through already. After my CT, the doc said it was about 5mm in diameter. That’s bigger than it sounds, trust me. I think I might have to have an OB/GYN help me pass it.

So all the freaks are out tonight and they blend in nicely with all the trick or treaters. My main bitch tonight is the Halloween policy of the complex I live in- absolutely no trick or treating in the complex. Now I am sure the board consists of a bunch of old farts who stay in their apartments all day just trying to find something to bitch about but really, why this rule? It could be handled in so many ways to make it fun for the kids. Here is my plan.

  1. 1) If you want to poarticipate hang up a sign or decorations on your door for Octoberr 31 only. Signs must be taken down by November 1. (See how anal I am being? Even the board would like it)

  2. 2) Trick or treating shall be conducted from 5-8 p.m.

  3. 3) You must wear a costume to get candy. No freeloading assholes wearing shorts, t-shirt, flip-flops and carrying a pillowcase allowed.

  4. 4) Trick or treaters shall be prepared for "tricks". Premises shall be cleaned up by Noon on November 1st.

  5. 5) Costumes shall be in good taste. Girls shall not wear slutty costumes with skirts 2 inches below their coochie. Oh wait, their parents let them wear that kind of stuff to school so I guess Halloween would be alright.

This plan would keep the some of the kids off the dangerous streets. Most everyone on this street walks about 6-8 blocks Westward to where the houses are. The assholes driving around don’t even stop for pedestrians they just honk at them. Nice.

Maybe I should start going to the Board of Director’s meetings and raise some stink. Since I am just a renter they will probably just tell me to go shit in a hat.


I will now dork out completely and post a picture of me in my Tusken Raider costume.

Tricky Tusken

October 30, 2004

Everyone Loves A Parade

Not everything that happens on my street is a bad thing. About a month ago I heard the unmistakable noise of a high school marching band coming down the street. I grabbed my camera and started rolling tape.

The parade consisted of local school children screaming, cars honking their horns, and the band playing a couple of songs. You can see the band and hear only the percussion for the first bit until they get by my place then started playing. The flag girls started doing their thing and the cheerleaders were trying to drum u p some cheers form the onlookers. Of course no school parade would be complete without the future-hoochies-to-be, the homecoming queens. Of course I use “hoochie” as a term of endearment.

Now this “parade” was pretty lame as far as parades go but I thought it was cool the kids got out and showed some school spirit. I always get a kick out of watching kids because you can tell by their personality and actions what kind of adults they will be. Now, that is a very generalized statement but I would like to hear a compelling argument otherwise. Just watch some of the kids and you can probably see an adult that reminds you of them.

One thing that cracked me up was that the drivers of the cars were wearing their seatbelts but the kids sitting on the backs of the convertible seats weren’t. I understand it is a parade but I wonder if the cop leading the parade told the drivers they had to buckle up for safety. It wouldn’t surprise me a bit if they did.

Anyway, no glaring commentary for this post. Just wanted everyone to know that not everything that happens on this street makes me bitch about it.

Right click and "Save as" to watch the ~6 minute video:


October 28, 2004

Lucky Strike

Full Moon Madness
(Also, a lunar eclipse night. Coincidence? I think not.)

So it was about 8:00 p.m. last night when I heard the unmistakable sound of metal hitting metal. For the second time in 10 days a motorcycle collided with a car.

After talking to an eyewitness (literally, she was 10 feet away when it happened) the motorcycle was coming down Ala Ilima when a car pulled out into the intersection from the adjacent street Ala Nanala. The bike was facing the other way when I got to my lanai and the driver of the white car had made a 180 degree turn and parked on the adjacent street.

It was amazing how many people showed up with cell phones and how some bystanders finally realized their life long dreams of becoming a traffic cop. They wasted no time in directing vehicles around the debris from the accident.

The rider got up after a few minutes of laying on the ground and sat on the curb until the fire department, police, and ambulance showed up (in that order). It took about 5 minutes before the fire truck could be heard blazing down our street. It went almost unnoticed because I hear them all the fucking time throughout the day.

My wife called 911 and I saw a guy with his phone glowing blue standing next to the fallen rider but he was looking at his phone the whole time. Perhaps sending a text message to 911?

The typical rubber neckers caused a slow down but not near as bad as the officer who parked her SUV in the other lane the fire truck hadn’t blocked off. Busses and other vehicles quickly started a long line. She finally moved the SUV when a car cut in front of the edging bus to get around the blocking vehicle. People out here are fucking morons.

“Dammit, I got shit to do! Outta the way!”

The ambulance wasn’t needed and the rider was walking around after a while. I decided to go down and get a closer view. The security people from my apartment complex were milling around and as I looked back up to the complex I could see a lot of heads looking out over their lanais. One guy on the sidewalk who helped the firemen move the bike was talking real loud and made a big deal about how he saw it. I call bullshit because I saw this clown running up the street from about a block away. I listened to his story and it didn’t even jive with the girl in the white jacket who was walking next to the guy when he got hit. Jackass.

Luckily the rider suffered only minor scrapes and if he had followed the DOD motorcycle rules he wouldn’t have gotten those. His bike had a base sticker on it and he looked like he was in the military so I went over and talked to him for a second. He was in fact Navy. I told him to keep the incident under his hat or his command could screw him for not wearing his protective equipment ie. reflective vest, long sleeved shirt, and gloves. As insanely stupid as the drivers are out here, why wouldn’t you wear that stuff anyway, regardless of what the Navy says?

For a change, this accident was caused by the lackadaisical driving habits of the driver in the car instead of the slaphappy racing mentality of the motorcyclist. But not to worry, about an hour after the mess was cleaned up a douche bag on a crotch rocket zoomed up the street racing through his gears as fast as he could. He’ll be the next jackass turned into grape jelly on the street.

Enjoy the photos and movie clips.

MOVIE (recommend a right click "save as"
Crash 1
Crash 2
Crash 3
Crash 4
Crash 5

October 27, 2004


I have been entertaining my parents who flew in from the mainland and I have been extremely busy playing tour guide. I took them to the Big Island for a day trip in hopes to see the lava flow I photographed in July.

Note to self: Check with the Volcanoes National Park website to find out if the lava is flowing at the last place you saw it 3 months earlier. That would have saved us a trip to the trail. Madam Pele (the Hawaiian goddess of fire) is very unpredictable.

Since I arrived on this island 13 years ago I have heard of superstitions that range from believable (if I had enough shots of Jack Daniels) to downright stupid. AAMOF, at dinner with my parents the day before we left for the Big Island a waitress cautioned my mother against taking some of the sand from Black Sand Beach home with her. The bad luck that would accompany my mother sounded more like factual consequence than a “step-on-a-crack-break-your-mother’s-back” nursery rhyme. I rolled my eyes. In fact, at Volcanoes National Park there is a mound of returned volcano rocks from tourists who had bad luck and decided this was the only way to get rid of it. I think they watched too many episodes of The Brady Bunch Goes to Hawaii. Nevertheless, the superstitions of Hawaii are very cultural and a rich part of Hawaii’s history.

There are some superstitions that do stick out in my mind more than others. The first one being that bad luck will follow anyone who brings pork across the Pali Highway. I also have heard that you will not be able to complete the trip. What about the pigs that roam in that area? Are they doomed to bad luck pigs? I guess people would go all the way around the island to bring some pork lau lau to a party on the other side of the island.

Another one that I get a kick out of is the Woman in White. Supposedly, Pele roams the highways and back roads thumbing a ride. If you don’t pick her up then bad things will happen to you. I wonder how many serial killers could use this to their advantage and dress up as an old woman in white clothes.

Click HERE to read about some more omens and superstitions.

Needless to say, my parents were tempted to bring a little zip lock baggie of black sand from the island but in the end decided against it. Not because they were afraid of bad luck following them but because they followed the “take nothing but pictures…” vacation rule. Interestingly enough, my mother bought souvenir packets of sand at the airport gift shop. So, Pele gets pissed off if you take some of her lava rocks or sand or anything else off her islands but if you pay $3.00 for 3 tablespoons of green, black, and pink sand then Pele can find it in her heart to spare the bad luck. What about the tourists who have some sand stuck in their shoes and get back to the mainland? Do they suffer bad luck too for not cleaning out their shoes? I went back into the gift shop and, go figure, I could buy a fist-sized lava rock with a plant growing in it. I guess the ancient Hawaiian god of commercialism, Kumana wana Empty Your Wallet, is stronger than the fire goddess after all.

October 23, 2004

Bodda You?

Conversational Pidgin.

That’s the main page of a website I found to help me write this next piece. As a resident of Hawaii for over 12 years now I still have not succumbed to the temptation of speaking the local ghetto talk known as Hawaiian pidgin.

Although pidgin is an official language of some third world South Pacific islands, Hawaii locals have embraced it as a kind of Ebonics-like language. Unintelligible to most, pidgin is actually a complicated language to learn, if you ever feel the need to dumb down your vocabulary, because you have to take words you are familiar with and bastardize them to gibberish. Of course people who grow up here in Hawaii who speak it everyday may not even bother to learn proper grammar because pidgin is such a widely accepted “language”. Click here to read and hear Hawaiian pidgin

It is hard for most people to resist the urge to pick up even a little of the pidgin talk with the most likely phrase to be used “da kine”. This 2-syllable gibberish means nothing in translation but is representative of “the thing”. “Pass me da kine” and “do you have a da kine in here?” are all acceptable uses of this word.

While I have no problem with people talking like this I do have a problem with people talking like this to me and expect me to know what they are talking about. I am a redneck from Arkansas but I would never go into a store around here and say something like

“I tried talking ‘t that feller o’er thar ‘n I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country. My brother from Jawjuh bard my all can, and I ain't herd from him in munts. Y’all sell tin dubbya thirty all?”

I worked at a nation wide hardware store for a while and had many customers who would hold up a part that broke off of something and ask me “Do you have another da kine?” Give me a freakin break. I would politely say, “This store has 180,000 square feet of da kine. Can you be a little more specific?” I would watch this person with a pained expression on his face try to find the word for what he was looking for but just couldn’t do it. I would ask some probing questions like “where did the part come from” or “what is it used for?” and that usually gave me enough information to at least point them in the right direction.

The pidgin has even snuck its way into federally funded programs now for the state of Hawaii. A teen abstinence program called “Try Wait” was started by Catholic charities in January 2004 Read about Try Wait!

I commend and applaud the efforts of this program because instead of teaching kids how to put a condom on a 15-year-old penis and then patting themselves on the back for teaching kids about sex, this program teaches and stresses the importance of abstinence. Great idea, hope it works; stupid name. Is this the only way that the State thinks it can get through to kids? Poor English and bad grammar in naming public programs with high visibility, in my opinion, while trying to solve one problem just perpetuates another.

“Our junior high school students pregnancy rates are dropping but then again so are their test scores.” Click here for Hawaii's educational ranking

It wouldn’t surprise me if someone started a “try Study” program. How ironic would that be?

Again, I want to emphasize that I don’t think there is anything wrong with people using this bastardized cultural language in general conversation with each other. I just don’t think it should be promoted on television and radio; it gives the subtle message that everyone uses this language even in a possible professional atmosphere. Then again, an argument could be made that since it is so cultural why not let them use it how they want? Even though it is, again, a very strong part of the culture here in Hawaii, not everyone uses or understand it and more importantly there is a time and place for it. Some business owners would think twice before hiring someone at a job interview that exclusively talked like that.

Interviewer: “Welcome to the interview. How are you this morning?”
Kimo: “An den? Ho pretty good, how you?”
Interviewer: “Right. So, on your sheet here it says you are a mixed nationality?”
Kimo: “I stay half Japanese and I stay half haole.”
Interviewer: “Alrighty then. Would you be able to work mornings?”
Kimo: “Eh, no can, brah. I go dawn patrol. Catch choke wave.”
Interviewer: “OK, then. So do you understand our policies for consideration of employment? They are all mandatory and along with a mandatory urinalysis test we could have you star-“
Kimo: “Nuff already. Talk story planny long. I so hungry! Ho, we go grind den. Pau hana already.”

One of the funniest times I can remember pidgin being used was when I caught a Movie on the Beach in Waikiki. There were some technical difficulties and this guy got on a microphone and started telling everyone what was going on. He was really going on and getting in too much detail when this local guy cuts the speaker off and yelled, “Ho, geev’um awready”. I don’t think I could have put it any better.

My parents are out here for along overdue visit so I probably won’t be able to update this blog for a while. I do it bumbye.

October 19, 2004

Freaks Ahoy!

Someone wrote a song "The Freaks Come Out at Night" and I only wish that were true. I am privy to many a freak on Ala Ilima St. most of which do come out at night. There are the rare instances when I do get a glimpse of the freaks on my street long enough to film.

The first video is narrated and is about 8 minutes long. The star of the film is a crazy guy but from the looks of his appearance is not homeless. I could get some killer video on Fort Street Mall of some homeless people that would knock your socks off, one of which is the guy with 5 inch toenails. For now I will constrain myself to the people in view from my lanai (Hawaiian word for balcony). Crazy Guy woke me up one Sunday morning about 7:30 cussing and yelling. I went out to see the commotion and saw this guy going off but to my suprise nobody was around. Crazy Guy talking to himself; it was a Kodak moment waiting to happen. He went on for almost an hour and during that time was visited twice by the cops, hit with an egg, honked at, and avoided by pedestrains and motorists like a fat dude avoids fitness magazines.

The second video is really short and features a very immodest, heavy set, older woman who is holding onto her youth in vain. She frequently sunbathes at the pool across the street from me and if it weren't for her white hair reflecting the sun's rays like the Hubble telescope I would probably not have even noticed her.

Be on the lookout for future Freak additions.

Right click on a thumbnail and click "Save as"

Crazy Dude
Leather Skin

Enjoy and Aloha!

October 18, 2004

Justice Served

I have decided to open this site with just a few comments on why I took the time to devote a site to the land of Aloha, specifically, where I live. This isn't a political overview or cultural analysis; it is simply a vent fueled by the ridiculousness and stupidity of the people where I live. Now this is not an anti-"whatever" site. If I lived in Roosterpoot, Arkansas and had neighbors that pissed me off then I would create a site. It just so happens I live in Hawaii and there are people here that piss me off and it is these people who will be showcased on my site. So where do I start? How about on a little street in Honolulu called Ala Ilima. I live in one of the many apartment buildings on this street that is affectionately known as concrete alley. I live in a gated community with a nice parking garage, a pool, and lush landscaping. However this little nook is not without its stupidity, but I will address that in later posts I'm sure. So the debut of my site (sorry for the digression but I am a tangential thinker) opens with some asshole that was speeding down my street at midnight. I sleep with my window open and this guy had one of those annoying exhaust systems that sounds like a chainsaw in need of some maintenance. This exhaust seems to be a favorite for the locals who lack the money to buy a real car so they spend their money on a Honda Civic and shitty exhausts to compensate. After all, a loud car is a fast car, right? Shortly after he woke me up I heard the unmistakable sound of police cruiser in hot pursuit fly by. When the red and blues were flashing in my window I got up to see Honolulu's finest grab this jackass by the nape of the neck and force him down to the ground. I thought, "Hmm, this looks like a Kodak moment". Two cruisers blocked this guy in front of my apartment building. They promptly handcuffed this guy while asking him questions. After about 10 minutes they uncuffed him and sat him down on the ground next to his vehicle. After 10 more minutes they cuffed him again and put him in the cruiser. Guess they decided he was a criminal. One officer started filling out the paperwork on the hood of his car and he had a pained look on his face like he was filling out his taxes. He opened the cruiser door asked the speeder a few questions then took off. The other officer stayed behind and leaned on the speeders car (to keep it from rolling away?) until someone came and drove it off. I assume it was a friend of the perp. I found it odd that they didn't call a tow-truck to come get it. In the end I was happy because the asshole that woke me up out of a deep sleep was caught and hauled away. Justice was served. There have been plenty of things that have happened here in the 1 1/2 years of living on Ala Ilima St. but I will save those stories for a slow day. Enjoy the show and aloha!

I'm sorry officer, I won't do it again...

Was I speeding officer?

Writing the ticket