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February 23, 2005

Prank 'O the day

A fire on the submarine is probably the most feared casualty and it is this premise on which I based my prank.

After a previous night's dinner of boat food and with 3 guys in Sonar, I cut loose a silent but violent fart that had been brewing for a while. As it escaped its dark prison I said with a straight but concerned face, "Does anybody smell smoke?"

Everyone started taking deep breaths to overcome the blanketing smell of "the boat" and see if they too could smell smoke. Everyone of them got a full nose full of my ass. They have so much to learn.

February 21, 2005

Meeting new people, sharing...

Conversations have a funny way of evolving into crude bodily functions here at my new command and I am having a blast meeting my fellow crewmembers. I have duty today, for you civilians that means I have to stay onboard this boat for 24 hours, and a smokepit conversation got me cracking up.

I was telling these guys about my colon blow pills that I take and how they make my farts smell like a stockyard in the summertime. One of the guys, let's call him Fred, told a story about his uncle who would eat this concoction of milk, cucumbers, vinegar, salt and pepper, and some other things that you normally wouldn't think go together with each other.

So, Fred asks his uncle why the hell he's eating that nasty stuff and his uncle says, "I got court tomorrow." So this guy eats a foul mixture of a witch's brew so that he can fumigate a court room with his ass.

I love this place.

UPDATE ON DOGHOUSE:
When I came in for duty today the doghouse had been fished out of the drink. It stunk and was stained from the shit that is on the bottom of the harbor.

February 17, 2005

First duty day

My first duty day was full of suprises. Promptly after turnover there is the following announcement on the General Announcing Circuit, the 1MC:

"Man overboard!"

I'm thinking that this is a drill to test the duty section's response time. Wrong. The ship's duty officer had fallen off the port side of boat when he stepped off the non-skid. A civilian worker was there when he fell off and immediatley fished him out using a firehose as a line. Hey, at least he had the forethought to do that much.

The duty officer was relieved to change out of his wet clothes but not before another officer ran topside with the camera from the ship's office and rattled off a few shots.

About 3 hours later the cover to the weapons shipping hatch, AKA the doghouse, blew off the hatch when a gust of wind lifted it up and over the hatch. The ironic part is that the doghouse had just been untied and rotated. Whoops, guess they should have tied it back down?

Evidently, this is the 4th man overboard in a month. WTF? That harbor water is nasty and I go out of my way to make sure I will not fall in.

February 14, 2005

Futurama Alien Alphabet

The Futurama Alien Alphabet appears in Matt Groening's animated series Futurama. It is used mainly to write signs which appear in the background of some scenes and which are often in-jokes. Why is it on my site? Because I have all four seasons and I will now rewatch them and pause the DVD's to read the signs written in the alien language. Do I know how to party or what?! I post this image of the alphabet so, if like me, you have nothing better to do, you can get a fresh look at an awesome series.

February 12, 2005

They just don't get it

Yep, I bet the people on the right have a kickass time during Valentine's Day. They look like they are really in love.

/sarcasm off

comparatively speaking, the people on the left displaying this minor display of affection are on the same moral equivalency of a live sex show in the eyes of the onlookers.

Maybe the guy on the right can give his wife her clitoris back for Valentine's Day. Nothing says "I love you" like a reattached clitoris.

February 8, 2005

Update to Story on 2/2

Remember the guy who had his girlfriend staying with him in the barracks? They are getting married tomorrow morning at 8:00.

I guess they got tired of moving around; hellloooooooo government housing. I mena what a great alternative to mooching on your friends- just get married and let the Navy pay for your house.

We leave soon for 6 months. ANy bets for how long this marriage will last and how much debt this guy will be in when we get back from deployment?

Ahhh, true love.

February 7, 2005

The Infamous Email

Here is an email that got sent out to everyone on the command mailing list concerning smoking in the government van. This email has not been altered in any way to ensure the pureness of the original message. The names have been deleted in order to protect the stupid. The sender is a local and just adds to my dementia concerning the illiteracy of this place.

-------------------------------------------------------------------


-----Original Message-----
From: xxxxxx, xxxxxxxx
Sent: Friday, May 30, 2003 11:43
To: All
Subject: FW: Smoke in Govt Van

Sent for your information. Please do not smoke in the "government van" or near the "government van" as the smoke will get my mail clerk sick.

Your cooperation is appreciated.

R,
Xxxxxxx

-----Original Message-----
From: Xxxxxxx, Xxx
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2002 1:05 PM
To: Xxxx, Xxxxxxx
Subject: Smoke in Govt Van

This morning I was in mailrun but smell awfully smoke in govt van, make me SICK and complain so should you information XO that Don't Smoke in Govt Van but I didnt like this, make me against. I really upset myself that reason Somebody use govt van during smoking.

Thanks,
Xxx

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess the "4" in GS-4 doesn't stand for "smart". What scares me the most is that the individual complaining about the smoke is in charge of official mail.

February 5, 2005

Frog Invasion

The Carribean coqui frog was introduced to Hawaii back in 1990, probably due to the ever so vigilant eye of hte local customs inspectors. The frogs are on the Big Island and Kauai and have made local news stories again. Originally, a $10.5 million plan to control them was proposed but the State dragged its ass for so long that the frogs have now taken over. they compete with local birds and lizards for beetles and bugs but this isn't what the big deal is about with the residents. The frogs make too much noise.

Whah, fucking whah. So let me understand this: The Hawaiians want to completely erradicate a pesky frog because it is noisy and bothersome but when a girl gets her arm bitten off by a shark the locals go apeshit and prevent a fisherman from heading out to kill the shark because of some retarded superstition that the dead return as sharks.

These people are fucked in the head.

....

First, I must apologize for the lack of a title for this post but I just couldn't come USB with anything.

I am learning more about my new group of coworkers everyday- some good, some not so good. For example, I found out that one of my coworkers paid for a hooker when he pulled into San Diego. No big deal, I guess. People do it all the time. After some prodding from others, however, I got the full story (there always is more to the story, isn't there?).

After procuring the services of a hooker, she then asked him if he wanted to get funky and have her urinate on him. Being an adventurous guy, he agreed to the golden shower. Again, this still didn't surprise me because I know guys that have urinated on the bar girls they paid for when we pulled into various countries overseas. What did surprise me about this whole pee-pee event was when the hooker asked him where he wanted it and he said, "In my mouth".

I think this guy is just wanting to experience some alternative forms of erotica and I'm all for that kind of stuff. I just learned from this guy that he wants to have a chick (hooker or otherwise) jam objects into his ass. I asked him to be more specific and he listed things that were mostly sex toys- dildo's and such- and suppressions enough, I asked "How big?".

I have said it before and I think it bears repeating: Sex is like weight lifting- it is not a spectator sport.

February 2, 2005

It can only get better from here

My first day as the "boss" was interesting and I guess I have forgotten how much fun the sub can be.

I had to counsel one of my guys last week for being late and in the session I found out that his girlfriend from TX has been illegally staying with him in his room for 2 weeks now- she planned on leaving the 20th of February. I told this guy he needs to find somewhere to stay besides the barracks before someone walks in and sees his girlfriend all by herself one morning. Well, guess who walked in at 8a.m. while he was at work and the girlfriend was still in bed? The barracks petty officer (BPO), some second class knucklehead.

The girlfriend is worried that this BPO will turn my guy in but the BPO tells her not to worry about it and she can stay as long as she wants- if she shows him her breasts. I guess semi-annual sexual harassment training just isn't enough in the Navy. So, this young, dumb girl flashes this guy for the sake of her boyfriend. As if things can't get anymore messed up, the BPO gives her $20.

She calls her boyfriend to relay the fact that she can stay in the room and for him not to worry about it. She tells him the story and he leaves the boat to go get her. Now, I am oblivious as to what has happened at this point but I get suspicious when my guy comes to me and tells me that the barracks problem has been taken care of. He tells me what the BPO said and it just didn't sound right; why would the BPO knowingly break the rules and let her stay? About 20 minutes later I get the full story from the guy who drove the boyfriend up to the barracks. At this point I have no choice but to bring this to the attention of the command. The Chief of the Boat flips out and gets my guy, his girlfriend, the BPO, and my boss in a meeting with the base master chief. That BPO is fucked in every sense of the word- sexual harassment, extortion, failure to obey lawful order, etc.

So this was my first day. I can only hope it can't get any worse than this.