Search My Blog

December 31, 2004

Humbug,moi?

I can appreciate the Asian tradition of fireworks when it comes to special events like NYE. Hell, even my redneck side appreciates a good M-80 in a frog's ass every now and then but this is getting ridiculous.

For 3 days now the kids have been lighting off fireworks, well, not even fireworks just annoyingly loud firecrackers. Nothing to appreciate, just a loud noise and some smoke. The earliest I heard one was this morning at 8:30 but they were going on as late as midnight the last few nights.

I can also appreciate the culture of Hawaii but there isn't anything cultural about a bunch of shithead kids lighting off dynamite at the bus stop all day long.

Tis the season?

A freak tsunami wipes out over 150k in Asia on Christmas Eve and now 175 people have died in a nightclub fire with more than 400 hurt.

Nightclub Safety Tip #14: Leave the backdoor unlocked/unchained when hundreds of people are watching a concert and there exists the possibility that some jackass will ignite a fekkin flare inside the club.

December 29, 2004

Stupid Spoiled Whore

Hilton is the unholy apex of the douchebag persona.



South Park "Whore" episode

December 27, 2004

Tsunami Blues

So Hawaii is in the news again, this time not for Christmas tree gouging, but for not being able to get a hold of anyone in Sri Lanka to let them know a freakin tidal wave was coming.

What I find dubious about the article was the mention of "over worked" Hawaii employees in the Tsunami Warning Center. On Christmas day. In the middle of hte night?

Don't get me wrong, I feel for the victims in the Indian Ocean and the cleanup efforts will take a long time. However, this state gets its ass kicked when it comes to designing roads and issuing public policies that aren't from the dark ages. Is the Tsunami Warning Service above the "Island Style" attitude? I hope so.

December 24, 2004

One down, far too many to go

One gossip columnest will no longer cover any Paris Hilton events. I applaud this man and encourage all the other writers and television advertisers who insist on putting this stupid, stuck-up, whore in the forefront of the media. For that matter, stick Snoop Dogg in that category also. Enough already.

Cold Turkey: No More Paris for Columnist

December 23, 2004

The joy of Christmas shopping

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the ability to speak and understand our number system a key factor when hiring someone for a sales position?

The mildly unattractive Filipino woman who "helped" me today was really struggling with the price of the laptop I inquired about. This was after she started to walk away after she told me they didn't have any laptops on display.

Uhh hello? I'm not done yet. "Do you have any in stock?"

"Yes, this way sir."

I was directed to a desktop computer that she started to boot up. She must have noticed the "WTF?" look on my face and told me she would be right back with the price. She came back after the bootup and pointed to the image of an HP Desktop.

"We only sell refurbished laptops." She started to walk away.

"That's fine. How much is this?"

"Umm, One hundred.... forty nine..."

I'm thinking $149.00 for a laptop?? Hell yeah I want it! But then she said she had to check something.

She came back with the price on a piece of paper and said the laptop was "one hundred...no, one thousand forty nine....umm... one thousand one hundred forty nine ninety nine... So, one, two. Twelve hundred dollars."

I stood there and looked at her like she had a penis growing out of her forehead. I tried not to laugh, thanked her, and left.

I hope she has a night job to cover for her inept salesmanship.

December 21, 2004

Momentum


This skinboarder got some massive air.

Might, not write.

My wife was chased down by one of the apartment security guys today like she had just snuck a family of Portugese immigrants into our building. The impending crisis was resolved when my wife took the blank information sheet from the security guard with this note attached:

Please leave to security when finished

As long as this guy can dial 911 to get the cops here to break up the occassional fist fight, who am I to judge his illiteracy? I'll leave to security and while I'm at it, I get pen to write da kine.

What?

tourist.jpg
I posted some pictures of the monster surf a few days ago and after a recent visit to the same beach I had to post this shot.

Bear in mind that the locals who surf these monster waves were probably born on longboard and only got out of the water long enough to sleep, poop, and smoke some grass. I have seen these guys make the Stations of the Cross motion before going out to surf these waves. Ironically, local surfers were kept at bay from the huge waves after the Triple Crown competition Tuesday. How the heck are these people supposed to learn to ride the big ones when a guy shouting through a bullhorn from a helicopter is telling them to beat it?

As I was shooting the skinboarders making use of the unusually large beach breakers, I spotted this guy and his borderline obese wife getting knocked on their asses like Sunday night's Denver Broncos. They did have boogie boards but were fumbling with them like a monkey screwing a football until the lifeguard drove the 50 feet on his 4-wheeler to give them some advice.

I didn't hear what the lifeguard told this tourist specifically, but it probably was something a little more PC than, "Hey douchebag, you want to get killed? Go back to Waikiki." How do I know this guy was a tourist? I can only assume but I get a strong feeling because of the way he is looking at this local trying to figure out what the hell he is saying. Heavy on the pidgin, thick with the accent, the lifeguard could be speaking Latin to this guy as the both are probably just as foreign a language.

No matter how many people get killed by the big waves, the tourists always want to get as close as they can for a picture. That's like me going to NYC and deliberately walking down dark alleys in the Bronx. You will only be able to skirt diaster for so long.

December 16, 2004

You might be a Redneck if...

I grew up in the metropolis of Greenbrier, Arkansas and consider the term Redneck to be a term of endearment. I get a lot of ribbing about only having 3 teeth, having sex with my sister, and driving a pickup truck (only the last stereotype is true, though) but there are a lot of other qualities of Rednecks that go unnoticed in most parts of the country. Although Jeff Foxworthy got the jump on the jokes here are some more YMBAR if...

It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God. . "

You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

You bow your head when someone prays.

You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You've never burned an American flag.

You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

December 15, 2004

Surf's up!

Today the waves were 15-20' on North Shore today so I skipped out of work early to go shoot the surf competition at Waiamea Beach. I always like going to North Shore this time of year. Except for the insane traffic getting up there the trip is definitely worth it.

The surf is so strong that there is a constant mist on the north face of the island. All the surfer dudes and chicks were walking on the side of the road in full force and the smell of Coppertone and weed was rampant.

Here are a few shots of the competition.




Guantanamo Bay Prisoners

Whenever I hear about the prisoners in Cuba I can't help but to think about the movie A few Good Men. I wonder how Colonel NathanJessep would be handling the Al-queda and Taliban prisoners. My guess is that there would have been a shitload of "Code Reds" by now.

It seems the pity party for the prisoners is in full swing again. My personal feelings are that they can all rot in that prison. But until I am made Emperor of the Galaxy (there are a few planets that are holding out on my unanimous decision) the legal process for the prisoners wil continue at the snail's pace.

Prisoners of war, torture, Red Cross investigations, etc. are covered rather nicely in this article by Ted Lepkin.



"I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

December 14, 2004

Lines and the Drive thru

So I was running ate thismorning and I really needed some coffee from McPuke's. By the way, after watching Suprsize me about 4 months ago this is the only thing I will consume from the golden arches.

The drive thru line is about 10 deep and I start to get pissed but I notice there is only one person in line inside. I park my truck and am in and out in less than 2 minutes. The line has barely moved.

I saw people looking inside at the empty counter from the drive thru line but they stayed in line. Do they have time to kill or are they just too lazy to get out and order inside? Did they even notice the empty counters inside at all?

Maybe they were just listening to the radio about Scott Peterson getting the death penalty as reported for the millionth time and are still on the high that the asshole is finally going to die for killing his pregnant wife. Personally, I think he should have gotten a life sentance. The same guy that sodomized and killed Jeffery Dahlmer would have gotten a hold of Peterson and saved us all a decade of having to listen to the appeals process.

December 11, 2004

...cast the first stone.



So the saga of my kidney stone continues for the people who just can't get enough of my medical problems. The urologist has told me to piss in this conspicuously orange bottle for 24 hours starting on Sunday so that I can return the bottle to him on Monday morning. I sincerely hope he has no expectations for a full bottle.

I read the directions on this bottle and I noticed this model has a preservative agent in it. I guess rotten piss just can't be as useful as a fresh batch. I am supposed to keep the bottle chilled while there is piss in it like some kind of freaky cocktail. Maybe there is room on the bottom shelf of my fridge.

December 10, 2004

Dookie Grande

So I am at my sister's house last week in AR and my 5 year old nephew was starting to piss me off with his going on 35 minute dump. It was getting close to departure time for everyone to go see the Spongebob Squarepants movie and I was almost done psyching myself up to spend the next 2 hours with 4 young boys who like to engage in tomfoolery as often as they can get away with.

My nephew was still in the bathroom when zero hour came so I checked to see if there was another showing and thankfully, there was. My oldest nephew Jake informed me that it took his brother an hour sometimes to complete a bowel movement and then my wife reminded me of a conversation my sister had with her about some meds Alex had to take soften his pooh. Poor kid, people usually have to wait until they are in their 60's to contend with this pain in the ass, no pun intended.

So, an hour went by and Alex came to me as I was watching my kids fight over who was going to play the Gamecube next. He led me to the bathroom and the unholy stench that arrested my olfactory senses was nothing compared to the behemoth that stared at me from the toilet. At first I couldn't believe the size of this turd- it was bigger in diameter than the hole at the bottom of the pot. In fact, it was stuck halfway through which was the reason Alex came to me. I could tell by the look on his face that he was worried about it and I assured him it was no big deal. After all, I didn't want to give the kid a complex about his freakishly large turds. As the only adult in the house it was my job to repair this plumbing nightmare.

I spent the next 2 minutes using a modified coat hangar to chum the turd and toilet water into a flushable substance that went down with ease. I immediately discarded the hangar in the trash can outside and placed a biohazard sticker on the lid.

December 3, 2004

Rusty Coat Hangers

You know, there are some things in life that we joke about because they are a part of our culture. When one speaks of coat hangers there is the timeless sick joke of the cheap abortion tool but the one I have always liked is the hanger used to chum up a clogged toilet.

Irony has a way of edging itself into our daily lives and 10 minutes ago I was reminded of that truth.

My 5-year old nephew has always had trouble taking a dump and after actually seeing one of his unholy creations I now know why. In a sweet and innocent voice he asked me, Uncle Greg, to come look in the bathroom. Since he spent over an hour pushing a turd out I figured that the toilet was clogged. That was an understatement.

I looked in the bowl and this behemoth of a turd was lodged halfway down the pipe. Two flushed could not loosen it up so I had to resort to the only trick I knew, short of a plunger, to dislodge the beast- the coat hanger trick.

I straightened one of my sisters unused hangers out and proceeded to snake it down the toilet. After moments the tell tale bubble came up and I knew the next flush would rid the bathroom of this gargantuous turd and its lingering aroma.

Success!

(For sanitary reasons the coat hanger was immediately thrown in the outside garbage can)