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December 10, 2004

Dookie Grande

So I am at my sister's house last week in AR and my 5 year old nephew was starting to piss me off with his going on 35 minute dump. It was getting close to departure time for everyone to go see the Spongebob Squarepants movie and I was almost done psyching myself up to spend the next 2 hours with 4 young boys who like to engage in tomfoolery as often as they can get away with.

My nephew was still in the bathroom when zero hour came so I checked to see if there was another showing and thankfully, there was. My oldest nephew Jake informed me that it took his brother an hour sometimes to complete a bowel movement and then my wife reminded me of a conversation my sister had with her about some meds Alex had to take soften his pooh. Poor kid, people usually have to wait until they are in their 60's to contend with this pain in the ass, no pun intended.

So, an hour went by and Alex came to me as I was watching my kids fight over who was going to play the Gamecube next. He led me to the bathroom and the unholy stench that arrested my olfactory senses was nothing compared to the behemoth that stared at me from the toilet. At first I couldn't believe the size of this turd- it was bigger in diameter than the hole at the bottom of the pot. In fact, it was stuck halfway through which was the reason Alex came to me. I could tell by the look on his face that he was worried about it and I assured him it was no big deal. After all, I didn't want to give the kid a complex about his freakishly large turds. As the only adult in the house it was my job to repair this plumbing nightmare.

I spent the next 2 minutes using a modified coat hangar to chum the turd and toilet water into a flushable substance that went down with ease. I immediately discarded the hangar in the trash can outside and placed a biohazard sticker on the lid.

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