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November 24, 2005

"No more buh-wets?"

In the immortal words of Bugs bunny as he watches Elmer Fudd dry fire his shotgun, I too am out of bullets. Well, in a few weeks it will be official but I will dedicate November 21, 2005 as my own V-Day.

I had a vasectomy, long overdue in fact, and I am now recovering from the 'minor surgery'. It was a fast process, only 20 minutes, and surprisingly 800mg Motrin keeps the pain at bay.

There is no anesthesia involved with the procedure and is much safer than a woman's tubal. Guys, it is a myth that it is easier for the woman to get her tubes tied after she has given birth. The only thing that is easier is that she is already in the hospital for her delivery. That's it. If you are thinking of getting a permanent solution to not have any more kids get a vasectomy.

I will spare you the details of the procedure but it is safe to say that when the doctor said after he bee sting feeling of the needle piercing the top of my scrotum I would feel a kick to the nuts as the needle numbs the nerve that it certainly was a kick- by a freakin mule. I rose up off the table and clinched the paper mat I was laying on. The pain subsided as the numbing effect of the local took over but I was really dreading the shot to the port side of my scrotum. Surprisingly, the shot to the left side hurt even more and the doctor said that was normal.

He showed my the pieces of my vas deferens that he cut off and told me that it was the largest vas he'd ever seen. Yeah, baby, props to the vas! Unfortunately, I couldn't keep them as they get sent off to pathology to verify that they are indeed vas. So what happens if pathology says that it isn't vas? What the hell else could it be?

The shot was the worst part of procedure but the recovery is just inconvenient. I walk like Fred Sanford with a log in his pants, it hurts when I cough, sneeze, talk loudly, walk, stretch, laugh, or breathe deeply. Other than that it isn't so bad. I kept ice on my sack for 15 minutes out of every hour and it really helps with the pain and the swelling. There is a little bruising but nothing too bad. It was a scalpel-less procedure and too my surprise there were no stitches. I'll have to get rid of a few pairs of underwear though- I can take a few shitstains but blood is nasty.

I learned a lot about my anatomy during this process and realized that there is a very complicated set of tubes and valves down there. In fact, I have to abstain from sex for at least 10 days- hey Doc, no problem, buddy. I have to whack off in a specimen cup and run it to the lab in 6 weeks after "approximately 15-20 ejaculations" to ensure there are no dudes swimming around. 15-20? That's it? Phht, I can do that in a weekend. Surprisingly, the sperm that is made is missing the tail and then after a while the testicles are like, "What the hell am I wasting my time with this for?" and stop making sperm all together.

That's it for the scoop on vasectomies. I'll be glad to get in to more graphic detail that you wish to help clear things up. I had a private party with my wife the night before my surgery to say goodbye to my little swimmers but I plan on having a going away party for my sperm at Buca de Bepppo's as soon as I can walk again. I am torn between having everyone wear either black clothes (like a funeral) or white clothes to commemorate the good times me and my sperm have had over the years- starting in my adolescence with a Penthouse and a few squirts of Jergens.

Oh, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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