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August 30, 2009

A short time spent in 1992

I am a pack rat. A big fat sentimental pack rat. Two 60 quart Rubbermaid bins, stacked in my garage and a continuing eye-sore to my wife, are testament to my obsession to save anything with just an ounce of nostalgia- and those bins are just my Navy crap (that I can fit into those bins).

I rummaged around in 2 other bins today to try and locate a network interface card for my new motherboard and failed. I probably threw it out years ago thinking I would never need it. I did come across an old "pocket brain" from my early military career with some interesting tidbits. In the spirit of nostalgic, crusty sea stories, I share its contents with both of my readers.

The first page is a countdown calendar from NorPac 1992. For those of you not hip to Navy lingo a NorPac is a Northern Pacific Special Operation (SpecOp). Yes, I know, the acronyms are unbearable at times. These NorPacs were Pearl to Pearl runs, i.e. no liberty ports, no stops, just leave Pearl Harbor and then return about 8 weeks later or so. This particular run happened early in the year and the run ended a little shorter than most of my SpecOps (only 6 ½ weeks long). It wasn’t until after I flipped a few more pages that I remembered why.

For reasons unknown to me now, I kept track of a lot of insignificant data during my deployments. For example, on this NorPac I took 24 showers and punched the clown 18 times. Again, I do not know why I thought it important to keep track of how many times I masturbated. Yeah, should have given a TMI ALERT a few sentences back.

I was a Second Class and I believe this was the last deployment before we headed to Mare Island Naval Shipyard for our reactor core swap out. I had been on board my first boat a little over 4 years and was pretty senior in the division. In fact, I looked ahead at the schedule in my pocket brain and saw that we had an ORSE just before we went to the shipyard. ORSE is the worst 4-letter word in the submarine force. It is an excruciating inspection that would make Hyman G. Rickover roll over in his grave, and then shit on the faces of all the dweeb nukes that turned his nuclear power program into what it is today.

Having an ORSE so close to our shipyard time never made sense to me anyway. What was Squadron going to do if we failed- keep us from going to sea? It was one of many instances during my career where procedure and paperwork trumped common sense. It was a check mark in some asshole’s yearly planner. I equate a pre-shipyard ORSE to a doctor cleaning the area on an arm with an alcohol swab for someone receiving a lethal injection. What the hell is the point? But I digress.

I wrote down the score of the 1992 Superbowl: Washington – 37, Buffalo – 24. Looks like a pretty good game. I’ll never know because I was underwater and probably got this news from one of the broadcasts. I was also underway for the anniversary of the Space Shuttle Challenger accident. I was a Junior in high school and in French class when some jackass poked his head in and told us the news. Yeah, that French really came in handy in Asia and Australia.
Here is a short list I made on the NorPac titled Things to do, make, etc…
1. Trail mix
2. Cereal – Honeycomb, Cocoa Puffs, Alpha Bits
3. Bishop Museum, Aquarium
4. Climb Diamond Head
5. Chicken fried steak and macaroni salad
6. Cook lobster dinner
7. Hamburger pie with bacon bits
8. Manicotti and white wine
9. Chili Peppers- Blood, Sex, Sugar
10. The Cult- Ceremony
11. Erasure- Chorus
12. Concrete Blond- Bloodletting
13. Jesus Jones
14. Terri Weigal- Star/Inferno
15. Sisters of Mercy- Floodland
16. Sting- Fortress around your heart
17. Cribbage board
18. Nachos

I am going to guess that the food on that run was not that great and that my selection in music was severely influenced by people in my underway watch section.

I also watched a lot of movies this run. I love underway movies because it is a great way to kill a few hours and get that much closer to going home. It was rare to be able to actually watch a whole movie without have to run up to Sonar for a piss break or to help divert another mini crisis. Here is my movie list in viewing order:

1. Terminator 2
2. Dutch
3. Ford Fairlane
4. Silence of the Lambs
5. Flashback
6. Object of Beauty
7. Postcards from the Edge
8. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
9. All the Right Moves
10. Stone Cold
11. Marrying Man
12. Toy Soldiers
13. K-9
14. The Short List
15. The 5 Heartbeats

I honestly cannot remember what half of those movies are about.

I also had a page of blonde jokes, which are really old and I will intentionally omit from this post, 2 pages of the schedule for the rest of the year and what appears to be some vocabulary words.

Aplomb- self confidence; poise
Endorphin- a group of hormones secreted by the brain that cause a tranquilizing or pain killing effect.
Husbandman- one who cultivates and raises crops; farmer
Apropos- ironic, relating to a story

I don’t know what the hell I was reading that underway to give me that list of words or why I wrote them down. They don’t really come up in conversation and I have tried for the last 5 minutes to use all of them in the same sentence.

The last thing that I will share is a small wish list on the last page of my entries for that underway.
1. Saling lessons
2. scuba lessons
3. motorcycle
4. truck
5. 4 wheeler for California
6. A BIGGER DICK for Pat’s mouth
7. Rollerblades- The Bike Shop, Kapiolani, 7-11 on right.

I feel that I have to explain #6. The entry in bold letters were from a rider, Pat, who got a hold of my pocket brain when I left the sonar room to take something to the Control Room. Someone else in Sonar added the next piece to the entry. Coincidentally, Pat also drew the LA personified as a blind helpless boat, an apropos icon to wrap up the wasted time we all spent on that miserable spec op in the Northern Pacific.






August 26, 2009

The Lion Roars No More


Senator Edward Kennedy from Massachusetts passed today from brain cancer, the first Kennedy in a while to actually die from natural causes, and I have mixed feelings about his passing. I really tried to like the guy over the last few decades but there was just something about him that I could never really warm up to.

It isn’t the fact that he hauled ass from his car accident in 1969, leaving his mistress for dead. That happened a few months before my birth and when the Apollo astronauts were on their way to the Moon, or in the middle of filming the event if you are a conspiracy theorist douche. It is reprehensible that he got off solely because he is a Kennedy, but having a powerful last name and a shitload of money has always been the “Get out of Jail Free” card.

I checked his voting record and although he has missed 97% of the votes in the current Congress he pretty much voted along party lines most of his career. The last time he voted was 4/2/2009 and he has only casted 8 votes this year. I think that voting record is appalling and would elevate him to douche bag status if it weren’t for the fact that he was in such poor physical condition. Still, he missed a lot of votes and I just went back to the middle of 2007, long before his brain tumor was discovered (May, 2008). Kudos to him for getting his fat ass out of bed to make a speech at the 2008 DNC to give his support for Obama.

For the record, I do cling to the old fashioned belief that politicians are put in office to serve and part of their service is voting on things that will make our lives better or protect us from someone else’s bullshit. I am sure there are other politicians who have similarly shitty voting records but they are not prominent dead leaders of their party, and therefore I have not had the inclination to research their records.


Looking back on Ted’s life as a politician I can only say that whatever good he could/did/should have done was overshadowed by his personal life. He was a contentious drunk and I recall seeing his rosy red cheeks on many occasions. We had a saying in the Navy that went, “One ‘oh shit’ will wipe out 100 attaboys”. So true with Ted over the years.


James Quinn summed up his feelings on Ted's passing:
He killed a woman, leaving her to die in his car and not reporting it. He was a drunk. He divorced his wife. He was a Catholic that supported abortion. He spent taxpayer money on the welfare state like no Senator in history. He helped cover up a rape by his nephew. He began the scorched earth policy of nominees for the Supreme Court with his lies during the Bork nomination. He was a small man who spent your money like a drunken sailor. Without his Kennedy connections, he would have been a nobody. His life was one of decadence and failure.
See? Most of it from Ted’s personal life.

I am not in the habit of mourning crusty, drunken, douche bag career politicians and I will not start with Ted Kennedy. But I can bring forth enough civility to send my condolences to his family.

Rest in peace, butt hole.

August 24, 2009

Neighborhood excitement

There was a fight across the street from my house, much like the fights I used to see outside my lanai off of Salt Lake Blvd. in Honolulu. This one was different though- I am at ground level now and do not have the safety of elevation and discretion when it comes time for me to dispense vigilante justice at these hoodlums.

I remember many a night (morning?) when I was awakened by the mischief of locals who had no future, no life to speak of and nothing to do but get in trouble. They would drive/walk/skateboard up and down the street at all hours causing trouble. It was entertaining at first, watching thugs get the piss beat out of them and, if I was lucky, hauled off to jail if Honolulu's finest got there in time.

But it gets old constantly being shaken out of a deep sleep to screaming female teens who are yelling at their newly informed father of the news, assholes who like to ride around screaming for no other reason than to piss people off, or more than anything else ride around with a muffler that is 300 dB louder than the legal limit. Add to this sleep deprivation the crying of an infant who was also disturbed from a nights sleep and you can see how the frustration builds.

But I didn't come here to talk about that. You can go back to my posts in 2005 and read all about it. The fight that happened yesterday had all the elements of the fights I saw in Hawaii- only this time there were Mexicans instead of Filipino's, Samoans, hapa Pacific rim losers. Oh, and here there are a few white trash jackholes sprinkled in there, sadly girls who look like heroin addicts. Not to label trouble makers (assholes are found in all races, colors, and creeds), but for fuck sake, it isn't my fault that most of the mischief that happens in my field of view fits the aforementioned profile.

I was completely unaware of the trouble until my wife asked how long you are supposed to let a *potential* fight build up until you call the police. I thought it was a trick question since I like to see vagrants and social detritus duke it out. It falls along a very loose parallel of watching gang members kill each other- I have not empathy for a dead gangster (a.k.a. rapper).


This fight was pretty lame. At least the Hawaiian locals like to scrap. Hits are dealt, asses are beat, blood is drawn. The embarrassing spectacle I witnessed looked like that skit from Dave Chappelle's show called Friday Night Sissy Fights. There was a lot of foot play between the two scrappers and, since there were some ghetto sluts in training on the scene, a lot dominant posturing was exercised via verbal abuse.

The guy in the red shorts (photo at the bottom of the post) was really trying to get something going. The guy in the black shorts was dancing around and trying to avoid the uncoordinated swings and advances from his rival. He was doing a great job of avoidance and his laughter was really pissing the other guy off. They eventually parted ways and the next time I looked out the window the guy in the black was pulling the other guy out of his car. Ok, now some shit is going to happen. Nope. They were rolling around on the ground for a minute or two, each one having a "helper" on their side giving them tips on how to overcome the stalemate.

Let me break down the attendees who were there in the parking lot at the park across the street from my house. Oh, I forgot the mention it is a park where little kids and families come to spend some quality time? My mistake.

Every fight I have witnessed with a group of people watching has the same type of people hanging around. There is the instigator, shown here by the fat ass in the white shirt and the towel around his neck. He could be heard in my house with the TV on and my 4 kids having a normal conversational tone, which is pretty high since my kids are fucking loud. The instigator is rarely involved with any actual physical action, unless of course his guy gets the upper hand and then the instigator will come over and get in a cheap shot. This fight had two instigators. See the little white trash teen in the grey shirt? She wanted the whole neighborhood to know that she is going to be a truck driver when she grows up.

There are also the documentors, using any form of media they can to record the event and then upload to YouTube. Cell phones are an awesome way to record photos and video and there is rarely something that goes on in this world that cannot be caught on film or digital media.

There are also side bars going on that involve the friends or acquaintances of the two fighting. This side bar had a better fight than the two asshats who started the whole show. Two white trash girls were kicking the shit out of a fatty Mexican chick who was curled up in the fetal position, cellulite hanging out of her stressed sweat pants. That is when I started to go out but then I remembered I had to go get a drink of water. Besides, the fatty got right up and at least acted like it didn't phase her. Good for her. Sad, though, when the sluts put up an better fight than the dudes. The cop agreed with me when they finally showed up.

Funny side bar in our house during this time- when my wife called 911 she couldn't get through on her Blackberry so she grabbed mine and still couldn't get through. Some kind of error. She had to use my son's phone to actually get through to a 911 operator. Since we are in an unincorporated area the 911 operator had to call the Sheriff's office to dispatch a unit to our neighborhood. Comforting to know.

And just like that, the young adults, who have so much going for them, who have such a bright future ahead of them as State tax burdens, all got in their vehicles and drove off. Three of four cars went to the house of the slutty trailer trash teen who was announcing her instructions with a certain sense of bravado. She returned to the parking lot (with 3 other crack head girls)looking for a cell phone and then left when the cops got there. I went and talked to the cops and one of the units went after the car. I also provided license place numbers. On the way back across the street to my house, I was betting myself which one of the girls would have an abortion before the school year was over. I really wish I wasn't such a dick sometimes.

They can all kiss my ass. I am not going to watch this nice park turn into a hangout for these people without doing something about it. A nearby city had a serial arsonist who was burning playground equipment. What an asshole. As my mind started to drift that night in bed, I envisioned my self as one of the Watchmen, decked out in makeshift armor with a cool costume. I would break arms, legs, and punch a few sluts in the face. I heard one of the people had a screw driver during the fight but only brandished it- that thing would have ended up his ass.

But fantasy gave in to fatigue and I fell asleep.

The breakdown of Obama's Health Care Plan

In a nutshell:
"H.R. 3200 is a massive reordering of America’s health care services with a heavy bias toward injecting the government’s judgment in place of doctors, installing bureaucratic control in place of patient discretion and enacting significant tax increases in hopes of stemming the deficit busting costs of the new programs."

Here is a great breakdown of the current revision of H.R. 3200, a small segment of Obamacare, by Patients First.

The full text of H.R. 3200 can be found by clicking the link.

August 23, 2009

One thing at a time, Mr. President.

It appears that some members of our government are having a momentary lapse of reason and are admonishing Obama to slow down and tackle one thing at a time. Senator Joe Lieberman must have caught Ben Stein's piece.

The Aloha Dump Cake

I don't know whether this is funny or sad, but while Googling my blog I came across a cake with the same name.

Aloha Dump Cake

New Star Trek kicked some buttocks

I will never admit to being a Star Trek purist but I watched the television show as a kid and all the movies. I don't really care for The Next Generation and all the spin offs, but they are not that bad to watch. I rarely see movies in the theatre and prefer to sit in my own home and wear whatever I want, all the while eating my own cheapy Scooby Snacks. I really liked the new Star Trek movie.

I thought the movie was cleverly made and I knew they would not be able to go through the "prequel" without having a few nostalgic scenes with some original cast members. The only one that is really out there anymore is William Shatner as the Priceline Negotiator. Stupid commercials but it's Kirk, dammit. By the way, if you have never seen the Comedy Central roast of William Shatner you are really missing out.

There was one thing that took me a while to get over and that was seeing Zachary Quinto as a young, brilliant Spock. I am a huge Heroes fan and it just seemed eirie to see Quinto on a television screen without ripping the top of someone's head off. He really pulled off the role as Spock and looked good doing it.

As with most movies with an element of time travel in the plot, the outcome seemed a little uncertain to me. In the alternate reality of this movie Kirk's father is dead, Scotty has his own formula for warp drive beaming revealed to him, and Spock and Uhura are getting it on. I wondered if all this time alteration would change the future even more and alter the sequel movies in the Star Trek Universe. Would we still get the to hear the awesome cry from Kirk, "KAAAAAAAHN!" as he is marooned on that infant planet?

There were a few times that J.J. Abrams really played into the hands of the Star Trek geeks. The first one was seeing Kirk laying some pipe with the green skinned hottie and laying the foundation that skin color really doesn't matter when it comes to some good old fashioned sexy time. Another cliche that was well played was the unknown third party member that always gets axed when accompanying Kirk and his crew. Brilliant.



I enjoyed how Abrams really pulled the ingenuity and resourcefulness of the characters out of the script and set them up as kick ass elements of the future crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise. George Lucas did the same thing with his prequels. We all knew Yoda was a bad ass Jedi Master, but what self respecting Star Wars geek didn't get excited when Yoda pulled out his little light saber and started flying around all over the place and fucking shit up?

I don't normally give my opinion about a movie I have seen because 1) nobody cares about film critiques, 2) I am not timely with them since I don't see them until they come out on DVD and, 3) there are much better plot spoilers than I. But it's my blog so I can do whatever the hell I want and I really liked this movie.

Old School Star Trek



The Young Ones

August 22, 2009

What the fuck, Scotland?

Old news by now, but I have been out of the country on business and just didn't have time to comment on the recent release of "Abdel Basset Mohamed al-Megrahi, the only individual convicted in the 1988 bombing of Pan American World Airways Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland." When this disaster happened I was just into my first year in the Navy, and had just met my first boat in Guam when a briefcase bomb carried by a Muslim extremist asshole exploded killing all on board and about a dozen people in a small Scottish town where it cashed. 189 Americans were on that flight.

The Muslim asshat, Megrahi, was released purely on grounds of sympathy. He has prostate cancer and is about to die in less than 3 months so the Scottish Executive let him go. He was recieved in Tripoli with chants of joy amidst a hero's welcome from local Libyans.



Way to go, Scotland. Way to rub shit in the faces of the family members of the near 300 victims of Flight 103. As far as I'm concerned, Megrahi should have died in prison of his prostate cancer in a lonely cell with nobody around except the sicko who has a fetish for necrophilia.

But now it looks like it wasn't really Scotland, appearing as a pariah to the rest of the world, who was really responsible for the release of Megrahi. It goes far deeper into the world of foreign governments and shady deals, and at the bottom of the barrel is the real reason that anyone has anything to do with the Middle East- oil. It appears that Scotland was strong armed into the release so that the UK and the US would have access to Libya's oil and gas fields.
Read about it here I was very disappointed to read Tony Blair's name.

This is what happens when you cave in to a Muslim population that has overtaken your country and demands that the world conform to their sick, antiquated ideologies. Europe is paying a heavy price for their dhimmitude. The Obama administration has publicly condemned the release but I would imagine the only reason Obama is talking about it all is to save his Islamic ass from mutiny. He didn't seem too upset about it when I caught his comments at Denver International Airport. He showed more feeling at the press conference when he called the Cambridge Police Department stupid.

He looks real chummy with fellow terrorist supporter and Muslim asshole Khadafi when they met on Thursday. Yeah, you can really see the outrage in Obama's eyes that fellow Muslim terrorist is coming home to Libya.




No fucking way would G.W. Bush be seen with this asshole and shaking hands under these circumstances. Khadafi is probably sighing a long wind of relief that Obama is in office. Bush scared the fuck out of him so much that he voluntarily relinquished his WMD's. I'm sure he is in the process of finding replacements. Most people are not afraid of getting an Obama creme puff thrown in their direction. Especially not the Muslims.

August 17, 2009

Tiger Woods bitch slapped

It had to happen sooner or later, Tiger's impresssive record run at winning the PGA Championships came to a halt today. South Korea is shitting in their collective pants as Y.E. Yang becomes the new rock star for the country. I'm sure Kim Jong Il is pissed at the win because South Korea is in the spotlight. Asshole.

Yang finished 3 strokes ahead of Tiger and made some incredible shots. Tiger's biggest chokes were on the green. His short game sucked today and it cost him.

This is where the Tiger Woods fans lash out:

"Lets see you do any better"
"He's famous and has a hot wife and millions of dollars and you're a douche"

Yeah, yeah. While that may true, he still got his ass kicked and, just like the MOnday Morning Quarterbacks, I am chiming in. It is not the end of an era, but it is definately on the top of the "Holy Shit, how the hell did that happen?" short list. Kind of like the United States kicking Russia's ass in the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid.

Do not fret, golf lovers. I'm sure this is just a temporary setback, kind of like Kevin Costner's in Tin Cup. I would love to see Tiger wearing that putting head piece. We will continue to buy Nike and bask in the glory that is Tiger. We have to, he's the whitest black guy to ever kick ass at golf.


What they are thinking:

Tiger: "Fuuuuuuck. My dad's gonna kill me."
Yang: "Yeah, suck it. Suck it dry."


August 15, 2009

The Monkey climbs even higher

A Bajan proverb (loosely) states: The higher the monkey climbs a tree, the more he shows his ass. I can't think of a better proverb-to-practice than this video clip of our Secretary of State, Horseface Clinton, shitting all over someone in Congo. Yes, Congo. Jon Stewart had a great piece on the translater faux pas but here is the real story.



I suspect that she will run like a Kennedy from a car accident within the year, distancing herself as much as possible from this failing administration. No great loss; it seems Bill is doing her job better anyway.

August 14, 2009

Obama's racism and Bush's dissent

I read an article about the blasphemous posting of 500 pictures of Obama with an eerie touch up to look like The Joker. Aboslutely brilliant.

I would have to agree with the author of Atlas Shrugs that it is becoming more and more difficult to get away with disagreeing with the President. Freedom of speech doesn't seem to apply when it makes him look bad.

For example, this picture was deemed "racist" by the liberals and Obama nut swingers. Even the US Post Office is getting involved with defacing government property.



Interestingly enough, for 4 years we had to see this type of ridiculousness from the moronic left and the media embraced it, citing dissent is the greatest form of patriotism. Obama gets a free pass, Bush got his face smeared in his shit.




Buckle up folks. It has only just begun.

August 2, 2009

UK news sucks just as much as ours

Before my business trip to Albuquerque last week I was channel flipping and ended up catching the last bit of a segment on BBC. I don’t remember what it was but the story afterwards was a woman who lost a 370 pound shoe. Forgetting the monetary standard in the UK, I thought to myself, "What the hell is someone doing with a shoe that weighs 370 effing pounds?" After I realized the shoe cost £370 I wondered why someone would spend that much money on a pair of shoes and, more importantly, why this is news? "Real life Cinderella seeks lost shoe." Right. As dry as the British sense of humor is, I think that this is just their way of nicely saying, "Real life jackass loses a really ugly and really expensive shoe."

For some reason, I feel a certain amount of smugness when this kind of tragedy happens to someone, especially when the amount of the item increases in value. Serves them right for losing something so trivial that cost so much money. Now that I think about it, it might be borderline sour grapes if it not for the fact that I wouldn’t want to wear a $600 pair of shoes. What kind of an idiot loses a shoe that costs as much as the shipping on an authentic Captain James T. Kirk chair?

OK, it isn’t smugness or sour grapes. It is just good old fashioned schadenfreude. Does that make me a bad person?

August 1, 2009

The Watchmen = great flick!

I recently saw Zach Snyder's The Watchmen while away on business in my hotel room and I really enjoyed it. Any movie that has me Googling its content is worth mentioning. I never read the 12 issue comic that came out in 1986-87, another graphic novel like the movie 300, but now I am very curious to find them. There is only so much they can reveal in a movie.

I was especially interested in Rorschach and I wanted to find out the significance behind his changing ink blot mask. I felt like a retard when I read the description and my undergrad days came flooding back to me. If you do not recognize the name, a German psychololgist name Hermann Rorschach came up with ink blot tests as a form of psychological evaluation. After reading the lore behind Rorschack I immediately tried to find a description of all the characters. I think Snyder did a fantastic job capturing my attention in the movie and an even better job weaving all the characters together- even the people in the movie whom you never see.

Interesting to me was the fact that there was only one real Watchman that had any type of superpowers. The rest were just vigilanties, kind of like Batman, who had extreme human physcial strength, intuition, cleverness and dexterity. Of course if you have already seen the movie then this is all falls into the "Yeah, no shit. Tell me something I don't know" category.

I watched the movie a second time on my computer and found a very interesting parallel between Rorchach and Dr. Manhattan. I recall the scene in the prison where Rorschach threw a pan of hot grease on an inmates face. The guards came to restrain Rorschach and he yells to the rest of the inmates, "None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. You're locked up in here with me." (I love that guy). I found a similar position with Dr. Manhattan as he exiles himself to Mars. In essence, he has left the Earth to its perils as if everyone has been locked up together and at each other's mercy. Or perhaps I totally missed that one.

Anyway, totally great flick and one that I will happily pay for.