Aloha Dump

Suffering from boredom I entered my name in a Google search and came across some Letters to the Editor for the Honolulu Advertiser. I read this letter titled Stop trying to change Hawaiian history by Kealiimahiai Burgess. After reading it I was thoroughly pissed and fired off my own letter to the editor. In my letter, Complaining Hawaiian has wrong perspective , I constructively deconstructed his points. Several days later I was rebuked in another letter by Cliffored Wassman, who's blinders prevented him from seeing my point and only the word "slavery". Wassman took one sentence from my letter where I show a similarity in the brutality of slavery in America to the brutality in King Kemehameha's rule when he pushed people off a cliff who had a difference of opinion. > Wassman letter jumped on that small comparison and just couldn't see the bigger picture of my argument. My friend Mike wrote a letter in my defense, and without me knowing it, to Clifford Wassm...

So many things to talk about, so little time. Actually it isn't a time factor so much as it is a motivation factor, specifically, I have none. I wanted to write about the 5 boys that raped an 11 year-old girl last week in a park in Honolulu but decided against it. Not really in the mood for that subject. Was going to talk about Bush's new plan for victory in Iraq and then bash that fuck-tard Kerry for his unintelligible response. I'm so glad I wouldn't have to look at his Frankestein face for 4 years. But I don't feel like writing about this topic because it just really isn't fresh and I really don't have anything new to say on either one these guys. I have been trying for 3 weeks to write an essay for the Naval Institutes annual essay contest. The topic is kind of dull, though, but the grand prize is $15k with good money for runner ups so I figured I would give it a shot. Just not motivated to write on a topic that doesn't interest me though. I don'...

In the immortal words of Bugs bunny as he watches Elmer Fudd dry fire his shotgun, I too am out of bullets. Well, in a few weeks it will be official but I will dedicate November 21, 2005 as my own V-Day. I had a vasectomy, long overdue in fact, and I am now recovering from the 'minor surgery'. It was a fast process, only 20 minutes, and surprisingly 800mg Motrin keeps the pain at bay. There is no anesthesia involved with the procedure and is much safer than a woman's tubal. Guys, it is a myth that it is easier for the woman to get her tubes tied after she has given birth. The only thing that is easier is that she is already in the hospital for her delivery. That's it. If you are thinking of getting a permanent solution to not have any more kids get a vasectomy. I will spare you the details of the procedure but it is safe to say that when the doctor said after he bee sting feeling of the needle piercing the top of my scrotum I would feel a kick to the nuts as the needle ...

After 6 months the USS LOUISVILLE returned to Pearl Harbor yesterday- another successful deployment to the Western Pacific behind them. Watching a submarine fade off into the distance from the pier is one of the most sombering experiences for me. Although I have only missed one underway in the 12 years I have been riding subs, I have seen them on many occasions at sea and from the shore going off to protect our waters. A surfaced submarine one of the most loneliest-looking things I have ever seen, if there is such an anthropomorphic sight. It looks out of place, the only sign of life perhaps a few figures on top of hte sail poking their heads up and the white wash following behind. It is an especially uplifting sight to see one pull in. The environment that we submariners operate in is in a constant flux of conflict- the ocean around us always trying to find a way in, the hydraulic, air, water, and steam systems always trying to find a way out of their captive piping. It is an unforgiv...

I must give credit where credit is due. Tonight I had an almost epiphanic realization on the use of torture by the U.S. to gain information vital to national security. The US Senate voted 90-9 early last month to attach an amendment authored by Republican Senator John McCain to a defense-spending bill that would prohibit “cruel, inhuman or degrading” treatment of detainees in US custody. I am a big fan of Jon Stewart's The Daily Show and tonight’s episode had Senator John McCain as a guest. Stewart briefly mentioned the Senator’s captivity and abuse in Hanoi but McCain’s focus was on his bill to prevent torture. McCain made a point that made me step back and reconsider my stance on pro-torture. First, I must clarify that I think torture, however you want to interpret it, should be able to be a tool to gain information that could prevent harm or death to others, more specifically, administered to terrorists. The Geneva Convention already has a law in place to protect POW’s. The back...

I know this probably isn't news to anyone who has lived in one. Whenever a group of people are in close proximity to each other there is always conflict. For crying out loud, I rode submarines for almost 12 years- you can't get any closer than that to a group of people. My bathroom ceiling has rotted out because the guy above me has a leak from his shitter. It took weeks to convince him that it was actually his toilet however, even after a contractor ripped a hole in my ceiling to see the underside of his floor. The issue is money (isn't it always?) and who's insurance will cover the cost of the repair. An interesting caveat arose when the contractor pulled wet rotted newspaper from the pipes around the toilet. It was obvious to me that the people who renovated my bathroom (inlcuding new drywall ceiling tiles) saw the leak, and in true Hawaii work ethic fashion, just tried to cover up the problem instead of fixing it. So, I have a hole in my ceiling with a plastic bag t...

It's nice when you get a day off, especially in the military. We went to the water park (yes, I know, "What the heck is a water park doing in Hawaii?") and realized a few days before that it was military appreciation day. It was packed to the hilt and the lines were long but it was a good time. Especially frustrating was the long line to the Cliffhanger (not to mention the 30 minute wait outside the park to get in), a 50 foot or so drop straight down, because after a 20 minute wait the ride was over in about 2 seconds. Oh well, fun is always as fleeting as Jessica Simpson's acting career. If I may be shallow for a minute, and I will since this is my blog, I do feel better about my little potbelly after a day at the waterpark. My wife keeps telling me it's not that bad but then again she also says she wouldn't do Brad Pitt. I just can't trust someone who's judgment is that misaligned. Maybe I'm just getting desensitizing to the cottage cheese legs a...

I had my first racial slur hurled at me yesterday by some kids who live in my neighborhood. I will admit that I am suprised it took this long before I caught one- just over 12 years living in Hawaii. As I was driving back home after a ice day at the zoo with my family I noticed some kids in their mid-teens throwing a footbal around in the street at the entrance to the cul de sac to my apartment building. I have seen these kids before and watched them run in front of traffic chasing the football. I slowed and then stopped at the entrance as this kid with the football ran close to my truck not paying attention to what he was doing. Five or six of his friends were in the middle of the crosswalk but only half of them noticed I drove up. I gave a quick honk to let them know I was there. I didn't look at htem as I drove by and as I got a few truck lengths away from them one of them yelled "Who are you honking at, white boy?" I put my breaks on and was going to jump out and say ...

The family dressed as someone different this year but since I spent so much time on this costume last year I figured I would get some more mileage out of it. A Tusken, not a Storm Tropper, not a Sand trooper, not a (if you can believe th is) a mechanized Samurai. It is hard to believe kids and parents can be this clueless about Star Wars. This one lady said, "Nice costume! What are you?" It is a good thing she couldn't see the What-are-you-A-dumbass? look under the mask.

Yesterday I was at my computer playing a little SWG when I was disturbed by some screaming outside. From the 8th floor this screaming sounded like it was 2 inches from my head. I sounded like a kid, male, and extremely pissed off about something. Normally I just wait for the screaming to subside and go about my business but this shrieking by this kid was followed by several expletives, the one that caught my attention and caused me to get up and go to my lanai- "You are a bastard!" I looked down 8 stories to see a 10? year old kid, his mother and father all standing on the sidewalk in front of the apartment building and their car, still running, with its doors wide open. Looking around the apartment lanai's I was not the only one gathering to watch the upcoming spectacle of neglective parenting. "I hate you! I hate you!", said the screaming kid with his mouth wide open and tears streaming down his face. He then proceeds to run into the street with his mother gr...

I met my wife and today at the NEX food court, a first we have accomplished since we have known each other. I enjoy going to eat there because there is a mural which covers the entire walls and ceiling of the place that Wyland painted in 2003. It is relaxing and I just can't help but to get taken away by the all the sea life, like I am swimming among them. This vision was quickly disturbed as we walked into the food court by the 25 foot metal frame of the lighted Christmas tree that will be going up. For fuck sake, people, October isn't even over with. Every year the date for the Christmas decorations gets pushed ahead more and more. There are retards in our neighborhood that haven't taken their lights down from last year- probably from that lazine-- err, Aloha spirit, but for crying out loud enough already. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas (yes, I still call it Christmas, not 'festivities', or 'holidays' or some other politically correct term. If yo...

Lashaun Harris should be made an extreme example in the case "It Isn't Right to Kill Your Children" This woman told police that there were voices that told her to strip naked and throw off a bridge her 16 month, 2 year and 6 year old children. Ah, gotta love the old "The voice told me to do it" routine. Friends and relatives knew this woman was metally ill and knew she would stop taking her medication when not around her doctors. Great job at the intervention people. It is really time for the courts to dismiss the psychobabble bullshit of postpardom depression as an excuse for women to kill their children. "It's a mental illness, chemical imbalance... that's their world and that's what they believe," says Psychologist Cristy Lopez. "They end up having delusional thoughts and think they're doing something good or helping their children or helping the situation." So why are these fucking head cases allowed to keep their childre...

Homosexual boy, Matthew R. Limon (19 at the time), is sentenced to 17 years in prison in 2000 for having a homosexual relationship (charged with sodomy) with a 14 year old boy. If it were a 14 year old girl, however, the sentence would have only been 15 months under Kansas law. Of course the ACLU jumped on this and now Kansas has changed its laws so that harsher penalties towards gays will be unlawful. He will now be resentenced after the new law goes into effect and his supporters are rallying around him. That's great he is getting a lesser sentence but the underlying fact is that this guy had sex with a 14 year-old person. People have lost sight of the original charge of sodomy and that there is something wrong with having sex with a 14 year old kid, gay or straight sex aside. The punishmenht, severe and unfair as it was, has been the focus instead of what happened.

A group of tree hugging asshole is suing the Navy for using its active sonar and killing marine life, spefically whales. I remember earlier this year when we went to San Diego to train with the Battlegroup we had to all read this message from the DOD about using active sonar when marine life was present. Basically, we had ot not use sonar if anyting was around, well, if anything cute like whales or dolphins (fuck the rest of the fish), and basically we had to dodge anything that showed up on our passive systems. It is real easy to blame the Navy for 37 whales grounding themselves on the east coast when an exercise was going on 100 miles away. There was no proof that the active sonar killed these things but the Navy, and the military in general, is always the scapegoat for environmentalists if any exercise occurs within the vicinity when an animal dies. From the lawyer of the tree huggers: NRDC attorney Joel Reynolds said the group recognizes the Navy's need to detect enemies, and h...

Every so often there is a Letter to the Editor in the Honolulu Advertiser from a Hawaiian that is pissed off about: 1)How the white man stole their ancestral lands, 2)The Akaka Bill not getting passed (again), 3)How "stupid" mainlanders should accept Hawaiians and their way of life instead of complaining. I have lived here for 12 years and really got into the Hawaiian culture, folk lore, and customs. I treat them, and everyone I meet for that matter, with respect until they do something to piss me off. It is letter like this LEAVE WESTERN ATTITUDE BEHIND WHEN IN ISLANDS that I usually just skim over and dismiss as "just another pissed off Hawaiian crying about something that is never going to change" and go on about my business, but since I haven't bitched about this topic in a while I decided to talk about it on this blog. I will not get into the debate on Hawaiian sovereignty because there are plenty of opponent and proponents who live their lives for their ...

While research a ton of work for a sociobiology paper I ran across this article while trying to tie in the works of Richard Dawkins and Jonathan Kozol. I had to read their works The Selfish Gene and Savage Inequalities, respectively. I am sick of reading radical hippie movement books for my Masters class. This article is about Professor William Shockley and I will only post the beginning paragraph from the article and then post the link afterward. Basically, this guy says that Negros cannaot survive in the worls by themselves unless there is some white intervention. He gives a few examples to explain. And I thought Dawkins and Kozol were douchebags... "Professor William Shockley, 1947-1989, inventor of the transistor and winner of the 1956 Nobel prize for Physics: His views on race so incensed the so-called liberals that he had to be escorted by guards as he went to give lectures on campus. ‘Man is a mammal and subject to the same biological laws as other animals. All animals, in...

Today I got a phone call and it is official: I will be going to my old training command as an instructor to finish out the remaining few years of my Navy career. What a relief, to be sure. I was worried that I would be stuck in the Endentured Servitude Division, better known as Transient Division, and more widely known as the dreaded "X-Div". My main discomfort with being associated with X-Div is that it has such a negative conotation; of course, I can't blame anyone for having those notions since the division is comprised of people who are on restriction for being fuck-ups on their boats, people who are off restriction for being fuck-ups on their boats and are now being processed out of hte Navy, and people like me who are medical hold for either legitimate or nefarious reasons. No matter, they can all burn in hell as I am off to bigger and better things. I guess they will have to find someone else to "provide leadership" to people who are picking up trash and ...

It has been a long time since I've written anything about the fine state of Hawaii. My travels abroad and the travels of my kidney stones have focused my posts to a miserable and narrow scope. It will take further research but I beleive Hawaii is the only state implementing a stopper law for used cars. In short, if you buy a used car from someone who has unpaid traffic tickets then the registration process for your newly purhcased vehicle will be "stopped" at the DMV. There are a few options: 1)Get the previous owner to pay up. Good luck there. This is the only state that I have seen that has continuously running commercials for dead beat dads. If these douchebags won't pay child support then why the hell would they pay for a parking ticket? If, for some infinetesimal chance the previous owner refuses, then attonrey's could be involved driving up the cost of the fiasco higher than just paying the tickets off yourself. Which leads me to... 2)Pay the fines yoursel...

I attended a Courts Martial today, my first one in my 18 years of service, and it was quite a show. I'm almost afraid to say it was just like a trial on television or maybe even a far cry from A Few Good Men sans a hot prosecuting counselwoman and a General shouting "You can't handle the truth!" From the start I knew this guy was screwed because 1)he was charged with something to do with drugs, and 2)he plead guilty to all charges. What was amazing was the judge's careful and methodical sequencing of the charges. He actually asked this guy why he thought he was guilty of all 12 specifications under the two charges. This guy was a piece of work: accused, charged, and sentenced to 5 years in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison, $5000 fine, reduction in rate to E-1, forfeiture of all pay and benefits and dishonorable discharge. Pretty much the whole enchilada. He was found guilty of possession of a controlled substance (cocaine, meth, and E-TC) onboard a naval vesse...

I should be at sea right now on a submarine heading towards some undisclosed location in the Pacific. Instead, I am at home 2 months early from a deployment, not because of technical difficulties with the boat or some kind of family emergency- circumstances normally associated with a premature return home. No, I was sent home early because of medical reasons, more specifically, I pissed another kidney stone about 3 weeks ago and will now be submarine disqualified. Yes, after a rigorous change in diet, plenty of water, and medication I created a stone in 1/4 the time between my first and second instance than I did eating McD's, drinking a fucking huge nightly glass of chocolate milk before I went to bed and taking multi-vitamins with 2 billion times the recommended amount of daily calcium intake and making this 3rd stone in less than a year. No sweet talking the doctors this time like I did last year to get to a boat after my second stone; when the boat pulled into Yokosuka, Japan m...

It looks like the strangle hold Guam has on us is starting to loosen a bit. This might be the last post for a while. I took this picture as I was walking to the boat this morning. The big grey thing in the background is the USS Frank Cable, a submarine tennder that has been supporting us since we got here. ** New addition. What I have been doing most of the time here.

So I am extremely tardy in showing off the deployment so far, and I apologize, but I was trying to find a way to resize these shots to conserve bandwidth. oh well. Guess I"ll have something to do when I get back to Pearl. Brisbane at a cargo loading/unloading pier. Brisbane at a grain pier. There were seeds everywhere! Our friendly neighborhood Greenpeace. Notice anything unusual about this shot? Where else but on a submarine would you have to worry about this happening to your Koolaid?

Well, after a short 24 hours underway we are back in port for a while. I guess Guam just doesn't want us to leave. Our last visit was pretty good but people are starting to just hang out on base more and use the facilities here. I guess the strip clubs start wearing pretty thin after a while; I know I can only stand "Buy me drinkie" for so long. I spent about 6 hours in one the day after we got here last week but that was only to get there early because the Nimitz battlegroup was pulling in and there was going to be an extra 5000 people running around. About 9:00 pm that night it was standing room only everywhere downtown-restaurants, 7-11 stores, clubs, etc. What a freakin sausage fest. I remember looking at the floor on the stage at the strip club we were in and it was covered with one dollar bills. A lot of the strippers flew in for the weekend just for the carrier group- they expected to clear $2-3k in that short amount of time. I was the equivalent of the shore patro...

I take the duty section topside to do a little firefighting training with some hoses that are connected to a Y fitting from the tender. It is a pretty good size hose, about 2" in diameter, and shits through about 200 gallons a minute. I tell a guy to flake out the hose for use, it was coiled up topside, and then a booming sound scares the shit out of everyone. The hose had popped off the Y fitting and was dancing around like a possessed cobra topside. It slide about 20 feet across the deck before wrapping up on itself and a smaller hose that was hanging off the side. A guy stepped off the side of the boat the went down to grab the Y fitting while there was a lull in the action. Common sense would have said "Screw it, let it be and secure water to the connection" but I guess instinct took over. In all fairness, you can walk over the side of a round submarine before actually falling over. I didn't want this guy to fall in or get hurt if the fitting came loose off th...

After we left Australia we stayed for a while to play around with some Australian combatants and a few other submarines in a joint exercise. It was fun for about a week then it got old fast. We had a crossing the line (Shellback) ceremony on the way up to Guam as we crossed the equator. We did this event for 6 midshipmen who rode us from Australia to see how submarine life is. It is a big P.R. stunt the Navy uses to lure unsuspecting officer-wannabe's to the submarine force. Now, the trip down to Australia was especially fun because we had a crossing the line ceremony but we did it at a specific place on the equator. We crossed the equator at the exact point where the Internationnal Dateline (IDL) crosses the Equator. This is called a Golden Shellback because when you cross the IDL you get a certificate called the Golden Dragon. It is a time honored Naval tradition that dates back hundreds of years. Existing Shellback play roles during the ceremony: King Neptune, Davy Jones, and as...

We arrived at the Pacific Island of Guam, Where America's Day Begins, on Satruday and I think I can speak for the entire crew when I say it is already time to go. In all fairness, however, I have been here no less than 20 times and it got old the very first time I got here. I think the biggest factor in creating my dilike for this place is the weather- 90+ tempertures with about 99% humidity- humidity so bad that it takes your breath away when you walk outside. This is a working port and we hit the ground running today. Just about every division has a month's worth of work that has to get done in an extremely short amount of time. If we get it all done I'll be suprised. The nightlife is really good if you like strip joints (raises hand) and the ones here are some of the best I've seen, err, heard of. One of the local favorites is the Viking Club so named because of its theme inside and the huge helm that sticks halfway out of the stage at the back. When the wheel spins,...

It occured to me as I have spent the last 3 days packing up everything for upcoming 6 month deployment that the world will go on here. People will be oblivious to my abscence except my wife and son, of course. But for the most part things will go on like they have been but there will be so many changes when I get back. I remember past deployments would bring me back to a new parking lot where a club used to be, a new park, or new restaurants. It about the only good thing that a deployment brings upon return to homeport excluding the family homecoming. I think that this will probably be the hardest deployment of my career and hopefully my last. 20 years in the Navy is plenty for me despite whether I make Chief this time around or not. I think it is time to move on and get a taste of a new life and a new job. So, aloha and check back every so often because we are supposed to hit some really good ports pending any unforeseeable circumstances. That's Navy-speak for "Our schedule i...

My first liberty port ended on Monday, June 13 and we departed Brisbane, Australia with mixed emotions: sad because we were leaving, but happy because one month of our deployment had gone by. It was a fun stay despite the fact that 2 of my days there were spent on the boat for duty. But even the duty days were all right and gave everyone time to recuperate. We were moored at a grain pier and had to do a berth shift on Friday to make way for a ship that was due to get loaded out. There was some debate as to whether we would stay another few days or just get underway. Everyone was hoping to stay of course, and it all worked out good in the end. The piers we stayed at were a major international stopping point for tankers and other large ships to off and on-load their wares. These ships were so big and they just dwarfed our little submarine as they drove by. On my first duty day I saw a 900-foot tanker moor in front of us at about midnight, offload some containers, and get underway at 4 a....

G'day from Brisbane Australia! It took us a hwile to get here but we finally made it. Just wanted to drop a quick line and let everyone know what I am up to but will have more time to make a more detailed entry later.

The first long underway at my new command has come and gone but the 6-month deployment looms on the horizon. It has been an interesting experience being back on sea duty after being gone for 3 years and so much has changed, especially the security requirements after September 11. It doesn't really affect us at sea but inport it is both a blessing and a curse. The major watches on the boat are all armed and ready to go at the pull of a trigger, and after my pathetic passing of the gun shoot last month I hope I am never on watch when the insurgent horde decides to take the pier. The downside to all these loaded weapons is the extra set of rules and procedures that the Navy places on even the simplest of tasks, like turning over the weapon to your relief. Oh well, a bit of inconvenience for the chance to blow someone’s head off in the drop of a dime is worth the trade off. The underway was plagued with material problems which made life even worse than the normal situation of being...

So after an extremely nasty underway for our last certification before deployment I decided to take a week off and fly back to my homestate of Arkansas to see some family. It is depressing to find myself getting pissed here in AR at the very same things that annoy me in Hawaii. I guess retarded people are everywhere (no surprise there) but I was hoping to get away from all the ridiculousness at least for a while. I read in the local paper (Log Cabin Democrat, 5/12/05, Rural Schools Get Poor Marks, pg. 1B) about how southern schools suck as far as standardized test scores- my home state ranked 7th on the suck list. Coincidentally, I was just talking about the school systems in HI and AR yesterday with my family. The only thing Hawaii schools have going for them is that at least they aren't Mississippi who continually ranks as having the shittiest schools in the U.S. The ironic thing about this edition is that there is an article about the once thought to be extinct ivory billed woo...

I am ashamed of myself, really, for not giving this extended congratulatory handshake to my good friend Saucy Sauce who had a little baby boy not too long ago. My busy schedule has even prevented me from seeing him to give him a baby gift or something. Anyway, Saucy, you know I'm happy for you brother. As a father of 3 boys I can safely say you will have your hands full.

The Kokua Concert last night was freakin awesome. For those of you not hip to the Hawaiian language "kokua" means cooperation and is at the end of every public service announcement- "Please Kokua". What, you don't know the Hawaiian word for please? I have been waiting to see Jack Johnson for a while but his concerts usually sell out pretty fast. G Love was there and that was a bonus since I have been waiting to see him as well for about 3 years now. I got turned onto these two artists by a friend of mine when I started teaching myself to play guitar. Their music is fun to play and it isn't that hard, although G Love does have some riffs and harmonica playing that is out of my league. Jackson Brown was also there as well as a few local guys that put me to sleep with their slow-ass style of music. I love the slack key guitar playing but dude, play that slow shit during the daylight hours. Besides the fact that there was so much weed floating around we were get...

This is the 3rd time I've tried to make a post and due to technical difficulties I have had to restart my computer and lose my half written posts. I was going to just skip it but then I would terribly disappoint both of my readers. Nothing like a fire to bring the boat in early; today is a boat holiday so I finally get 2 days off in a row! My only duty-free weekend since February was flushed when we found out we have to support another boat's inspection. This almost makes up for it. Despite the retarded watch rotation this last underway it was pretty mild. A few drill sets, some training, nothing too bad. Our usual underway watches are 6 hours on and 12 hours off- we basically run on 18-hour days. Last underway we were in what is affectionately referred to as "Vulcan Death Watches", named after the Star Trek Vulcans who had an unusually high tolerance for pain. These watch rotations go like this: 4,4,4,6 and 6. They suck and do nothing but cycle the crew but for some ...

Darn, Anna Nichole Smith has cancelled a trip to Canada with some PETA assholes to protest seal hunting. Read about it here Evidently the sealers are getting more and more violent and PETA could not guarantee the blonde bimbo's safety. Too bad, she could use a good clubbing herself. Although I don't wear seal fur, or any other fur for that matter, it isn't because of a moral issue I have, it just looks stupid. It is kind of a social status thing for me, kind of like how the locals out here in Hawaii see how high they can lift their trucks. Although equally as retarded of a practice, at least the trucks are used for something practical, or could be used for some kind of off roading. Fur wearing is lame. And so is Anna Nichole Smith.

So we pulled in today a little earlier than expected. I guess when the periscope leaks during the deep dive it is time to get that pesky problem fixed. Of course the C.O. took almost 2 days to pull in but we are in nonetheless. I might feel a little better about it if he hadn't decided to get underway while Sonar was down, knowing that it was down before we left. To put this in perspective, would you get into your car wearing a blindfold and go to work? We stayed on the surface for 15 extra hours while me and my techs got the system working again. I forgot how much fun this sea duty shit is. I don't think the junior guys who had no place to sleep for 30 hours because the torpedo men had to move a whole room of weapons around shared my enthusiasm. Squadron riders took pictures of guys sleeping in spaces with makeshift racks because they had nowhere else to sleep. A Chief took pity on a guy and let him sleep in his rack. This would be like a first line manager in a civilian job l...

A fire on the submarine is probably the most feared casualty and it is this premise on which I based my prank. After a previous night's dinner of boat food and with 3 guys in Sonar, I cut loose a silent but violent fart that had been brewing for a while. As it escaped its dark prison I said with a straight but concerned face, "Does anybody smell smoke?" Everyone started taking deep breaths to overcome the blanketing smell of "the boat" and see if they too could smell smoke. Everyone of them got a full nose full of my ass. They have so much to learn.

Conversations have a funny way of evolving into crude bodily functions here at my new command and I am having a blast meeting my fellow crewmembers. I have duty today, for you civilians that means I have to stay onboard this boat for 24 hours, and a smokepit conversation got me cracking up. I was telling these guys about my colon blow pills that I take and how they make my farts smell like a stockyard in the summertime. One of the guys, let's call him Fred, told a story about his uncle who would eat this concoction of milk, cucumbers, vinegar, salt and pepper, and some other things that you normally wouldn't think go together with each other. So, Fred asks his uncle why the hell he's eating that nasty stuff and his uncle says, "I got court tomorrow." So this guy eats a foul mixture of a witch's brew so that he can fumigate a court room with his ass. I love this place. UPDATE ON DOGHOUSE: When I came in for duty today the doghouse had been fished out of the dri...

My first duty day was full of suprises. Promptly after turnover there is the following announcement on the General Announcing Circuit, the 1MC: "Man overboard!" I'm thinking that this is a drill to test the duty section's response time. Wrong. The ship's duty officer had fallen off the port side of boat when he stepped off the non-skid. A civilian worker was there when he fell off and immediatley fished him out using a firehose as a line. Hey, at least he had the forethought to do that much. The duty officer was relieved to change out of his wet clothes but not before another officer ran topside with the camera from the ship's office and rattled off a few shots. About 3 hours later the cover to the weapons shipping hatch, AKA the doghouse, blew off the hatch when a gust of wind lifted it up and over the hatch. The ironic part is that the doghouse had just been untied and rotated. Whoops, guess they should have tied it back down? Evidently, this is the 4th man ...

The Futurama Alien Alphabet appears in Matt Groening's animated series Futurama. It is used mainly to write signs which appear in the background of some scenes and which are often in-jokes. Why is it on my site? Because I have all four seasons and I will now rewatch them and pause the DVD's to read the signs written in the alien language. Do I know how to party or what?! I post this image of the alphabet so, if like me, you have nothing better to do, you can get a fresh look at an awesome series.

Yep, I bet the people on the right have a kickass time during Valentine's Day. They look like they are really in love. /sarcasm off comparatively speaking, the people on the left displaying this minor display of affection are on the same moral equivalency of a live sex show in the eyes of the onlookers. Maybe the guy on the right can give his wife her clitoris back for Valentine's Day. Nothing says "I love you" like a reattached clitoris.

Remember the guy who had his girlfriend staying with him in the barracks? They are getting married tomorrow morning at 8:00. I guess they got tired of moving around; hellloooooooo government housing. I mena what a great alternative to mooching on your friends- just get married and let the Navy pay for your house. We leave soon for 6 months. ANy bets for how long this marriage will last and how much debt this guy will be in when we get back from deployment? Ahhh, true love.

Here is an email that got sent out to everyone on the command mailing list concerning smoking in the government van. This email has not been altered in any way to ensure the pureness of the original message. The names have been deleted in order to protect the stupid. The sender is a local and just adds to my dementia concerning the illiteracy of this place. ------------------------------------------------------------------- -----Original Message----- From: xxxxxx, xxxxxxxx Sent: Friday, May 30, 2003 11:43 To: All Subject: FW: Smoke in Govt Van Sent for your information. Please do not smoke in the "government van" or near the "government van" as the smoke will get my mail clerk sick. Your cooperation is appreciated. R, Xxxxxxx -----Original Message----- From: Xxxxxxx, Xxx Sent: Monday, January 14, 2002 1:05 PM To: Xxxx, Xxxxxxx Subject: Smoke in Govt Van This morning I was in mailrun but smell awful...

The Carribean coqui frog was introduced to Hawaii back in 1990, probably due to the ever so vigilant eye of hte local customs inspectors. The frogs are on the Big Island and Kauai and have made local news stories again. Originally, a $10.5 million plan to control them was proposed but the State dragged its ass for so long that the frogs have now taken over. they compete with local birds and lizards for beetles and bugs but this isn't what the big deal is about with the residents. The frogs make too much noise. Whah, fucking whah. So let me understand this: The Hawaiians want to completely erradicate a pesky frog because it is noisy and bothersome but when a girl gets her arm bitten off by a shark the locals go apeshit and prevent a fisherman from heading out to kill the shark because of some retarded superstition that the dead return as sharks. These people are fucked in the head.

First, I must apologize for the lack of a title for this post but I just couldn't come USB with anything. I am learning more about my new group of coworkers everyday- some good, some not so good. For example, I found out that one of my coworkers paid for a hooker when he pulled into San Diego. No big deal, I guess. People do it all the time. After some prodding from others, however, I got the full story (there always is more to the story, isn't there?). After procuring the services of a hooker, she then asked him if he wanted to get funky and have her urinate on him. Being an adventurous guy, he agreed to the golden shower. Again, this still didn't surprise me because I know guys that have urinated on the bar girls they paid for when we pulled into various countries overseas. What did surprise me about this whole pee-pee event was when the hooker asked him where he wanted it and he said, "In my mouth". I think this guy is just wanting to experience some a...

My first day as the "boss" was interesting and I guess I have forgotten how much fun the sub can be. I had to counsel one of my guys last week for being late and in the session I found out that his girlfriend from TX has been illegally staying with him in his room for 2 weeks now- she planned on leaving the 20th of February. I told this guy he needs to find somewhere to stay besides the barracks before someone walks in and sees his girlfriend all by herself one morning. Well, guess who walked in at 8a.m. while he was at work and the girlfriend was still in bed? The barracks petty officer (BPO), some second class knucklehead. The girlfriend is worried that this BPO will turn my guy in but the BPO tells her not to worry about it and she can stay as long as she wants- if she shows him her breasts. I guess semi-annual sexual harassment training just isn't enough in the Navy. So, this young, dumb girl flashes this guy for the sake of her boyfriend. As if things can't...

I have subscribed to the local newspaper chat boards and I am already pissed. It is the same stuff people are bitching about- high property taxes, shitty roads, shitty drivers, shitty politicians, and, my favorite, how Hawaii should be a sovereign nation. In every topic I can find something that would bite these people in the ass should they decide to actually get off their asses and participate in something. But I won't hold my breath when it comes to the political arena; Hawaii had the lowest voter registration in the U.S. in 2002 and in this last, probably most important election 100 years, the voter registration was down 10% from 2002. My point here is that the local complain about how shitty things are but either a) keep voting the turds in or, b) don't bother voting at all. Talk about a vicious circle. I find it ironic that the same posters in the Hawaiian sovereignty thread also post in the thread about how the U.S. should stop helping other countries and focus on...

Beating some ass with my pig sticker

It only took a year and a half but I finally did what I set out to do in this game: become a Jedi. Although I didn't have a little green guy riding my ass every second of the day I had a lot of help from people who play this game too. I do have to give my wife a hand for putting up with all this Star Wars nonsense for so long. Below is the screenshot every Jedi hopeful wants to see.

After 12 years of living in Hawaii I would think that I would be used to the lackadaisicalness, err aloha spirit, of the locals. I was running late today and I should have just slowed down and just tried to not be in such a hurry; but I got pissed off instead. To start, I had to wait for 3 stops to get to the bottom floor on the elevator. This didn't bother me because people have to get to work, kids have to get to school, the old Asian lady needs to park her ass on the lobby bench first thing in the morning. What irritates me is the slow shuffling feet and the brain dead movements. Get your fucking asses on the elevator for crissakes. My next blunder was being nice and letting them all exit the elevator while I held the "door open" button for them. What pissed me off about this is that I directly violated my own rule- never inconvenience myself to show a random act of kindness because it usually ends up getting broken off in my ass. Now I had to wait for the shuffl...

I don't know if you have heard in the news about the submarine that ran aground over the weekend but here is a link to the article . Our C.O. gave us a brief on the incident today and while much of the information is classified, and will not show up in the papers, there are a few things about the incident that have hit the sub community pretty hard. The accident that has left this boat in serious damage, as well as many injured personnel, also claimed the life of a 24 year old sailor. His name is Joe Ashley and I knew him, not very well, however, just as a friend-of-a-friend when I was on the L.A. He was a nuke and was on watch when the grounding happened. He was thrown against some valves and hit his head; he never woke up. He stopped breathing and he died in the bridge hatch as they were preparing him to be helo transferred off the boat. I have told my friends and family on many occasions that I feel extremely safe onboard the sub when the hatches are closed. I never w...